hellO! i have to be clear minded tomorrow. actually, i should always be clear minded. i shouldn't cloud my mind with thoughtless thoughts. (good god, this is my 3rd entry today? i must really be in a mood.) i wish i could carry you around w/ me everywhere so i could always type anything i wish. you know what i should do? carry around a tape recorder. then i could record anything im thinking anytime i want. how convienent would that be! b/c i always seem to loose track of my thoughts. to be interested or to not be interested.. it's a debate. to long for love and to NOT long for love. to hate boys or love em. i dont know? i dont seem to know anything anymore. all i know is my love of food. see, food can never let you down. (unless of course it's bad. but food will never TRY to be bad food. it's a PERSON (probably a man...haha ok, now im being a jerk. im sorry. i take that back. sort of) that makes it bad. not the food itself.) i'm not nervous about tomorrow. it's not even a date persay. just an outing i suppose. good god, why do i have to be such a jerk?! i don't know what i'm waiting for. it's not like it's love or anything. just friends. JUST FRIENDS. i say that firmly to myself and to anyone else who tries anything else. there'd better be no one who's gonna try to wrap me up in always. no one can drag me in with maybes. right? sheesh, do i sound that strong on paper? (er.. internet) i wonder how i will react when it REALLY COMES DOWN TO IT. will i resist with all my heart? will i put up a fight with myself? okay. tobey, let's compromise shall we? i promise myself not to put up electrical wire fences around my heart, but also not to reach out and try to find something that doesn't exist. i will not yearn for false love. (how the hell are you gonna know if it's false you freaking idiot?!) i dont know. i really dont know. why is this happening to me? my mind is so torn i wish that all the love in the world just evaporated away. or rather, i suppose the wanting for love in my heart. i wish it could dissolve away. (look at me using all these chemistry words.. evaporated, dissolve. haha. i'm a little retarded.)
i suppose that's the part of me that is fearful. but another. little. tiny. part of me is a little happy. happy not just b/c i met someone new. but happy to just be social and meet different people. i mean, that's good for me right? not just for love (or false love.) but for friendship. after all, that is just what it might turn out to be. and i'll take friendship over love anyday. 99 tobey. i feel too complicated right now to think anymore. i might burst if not for this song. 99.
~ a complicated doggy.
"im barely living in my skin. i donno where i am headed, trying to forget where i've been. my head's full of hell and this world is a jail. it dont matter and i dont care. i let my pain into the air. cause everything is hard to bare. it dont matter and i dont care. i let my pain into the air. so they say that life is a play, and that the world is a stage. my heart carries a pain of a brain i can't explain. am i insane? i guess it dont matter and i dont care. i let my pain into the air.." (rehab - it don't matter.)
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
