aGh. i'm pretty pissed off at the moment. just irritated by everyone i guess. i was so mad, i made myself an "i hate you" cd. maybe i'm just being young and i just feel this way for now (like everyone says.. but i truly don't believe it.) but i really feel as though i could never be w/ anyone ever again. nower days, i feel disgusted when i see couples walk by hand in hand. it seriously makes me want to puke. everything i used to think was important before, i now think is lame. i used to think that in a relationship, holding hands meant security. now i think it's being too dependent on each other and not enough freedom for oneself. i see relationships as some sort of a trap. something that people get sucked into without knowing the consequences. and besides that--i now LOVE being independent. i've been single so long, love and relationships have only become a vague memory in my mind and heart. i hardly remember the pleasures of a relationship, but i strongly remember the pain. after all the bad relationships, i told myself to never recall the goodtimes, b/c it was all false and untrue. i threw just about everything out that i ever got from anyone. (excluding flowers for some reason.. dont ask why..i guess b/c i was too lazy to take them down. and for the most part, i couldnt remember who gave me what flowers. plus some were from friends!) i didn't keep the shoeboxes filled w/ memories, i didn't keep the loveletters, i didn't keep pictures. i threw them all away. it was all shit to me. and shit should be, thrown away. for me, that was a major change in my life. it was the start of something new. something different. the beginings of a relationship that i began to build with myself. at first, i didn't like it. i felt like, there was nothing for me. nothing to look forward to. all i could think about was "why me?" or "what the HELL is wrong with these boys." i focused on my anger, my hate. my bitterness. and it worked. i worked wonders. there was a time when i truly wanted to rip the guts out of every living guy on this earth. i HATED them. i wanted all of their proud and untrue hearts to rot and burn away in hell. i felt a terrible anger rise in my chest if any guy even dared to look at me. even if i was going to buy something at the grocery store, and the person who rang me up happened to be a guy, i got so mad. it made me so angry and sick, i really wanted to puke. it took me quite a bit of time to get over the notion that "all guys were evil". the minute i started discovering myself, my family, my friends... i accepted boys as normal human beings.. SOME of them anyway. i dont hate boys with the passion i had once. i accept them as friends, and nothing more. and that's worked out for me.. that way, i'll always have a good stable relationship w/ them. and i'll never loose the pieces of my heart again and again. b/c real friends won't take that from you. and to me, friendship is worth way more than some stupid obscure relationship. sure, there are times when i feel like i miss the whole "relationship" ordeal, but more often than that.. i feel as though relationships are crap. i feel sorry for some of my friends that are in relationships. not all of them.. very few of them, i can actually say that they are doing pretty good. they benefit each other, and yet they can have their own lives as well. but most of them, gOd. it makes me nauseated--thinking about how their whole lives revolve around each other and nothing else. yeah.. i'm a jerk.. whatever. nower days, i could care less. i look at what's real in my life. and the only things that have been consistantly continuous is me, my family, and a few close friends. that's how i came to the conclusion that i'll never be married. my mom doesn't believe me.. but i guess she'll just have to wait and see.
and yet, at the same time, i feel frustrated with myself b/c i know that i am unable to open my heart. it's like i'm physically and mentally allergic to relationships. i know it's not a good quality that i have about myself.. but at other times, i feel as though i have greatly benefited from my "allergy" and saved myself probably a lot of heartache. there are also lots of other times when i feel proud of myself for not playing the fool. i pat myself on the back and congragulate myself for not being sucked up into bullshit all over again. a part of me views it as arrogant, coldhearted, loveless, and just plain stupid. and the other part views it as strong, independent, true and untouchable. it's all greatly confusing and irritating as well. even if my mind wants me to open up, my heart just refuses. so should i always allow my mentality to conform with what my heart demands? i truly don't know.
a loveless <3, Karen.
"circling your head contemplating everything you ever said. now i see the truth. i got a doubt. a different motive in your eyes, and now i'm out. see you later. i see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold. see inside, inside of our heads. yeah, well that's over. i see your motives inside, decisions to hide.
back off, i'll take you on. headstrong to take on anyone. i know that you are wrong. headstrong, we're headstrong. this is not where you belong.
i can't give everything away. i won't give everything away.
visions manifest your first impressions. got to be your very best. i see you're full of shit and that's all right. that's how you play i guess you get through every night. now that's over, i see your fantasy you want to make it a reality paved in gold. see inside, inside of our heads. well, that's over. i see your motives inside and your decisions to hide.
back off, i'll take you on. headstrong to take on anyone. i know that you are wrong. headstrong, we're headstrong. this is not where you belong.
i can't give everything away. i won't give everything away.
i know, i know all about.. your motives inside, and your decision to hide.." (trapt/headstrOng)
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
