*sigh* i'm back tonight because i've got conflict within me. i'm not sure if i should talk to an "ex" of mine... it's very confusing and a strange story! okay.. lets begin with.. my freshman year. that's when i met paul. i was a FRESHMAN. so young, so immature.. at that time, all i was interested in were people who were interested in me. pretty sad eh? i was SO dumb! i can't even begin to explain to you how much i have changed between that time and now. i am a completely different person. a total 180, thats for sure. anyways, there i was.. this immature little girl who just thrived on any sort of attention that she could recieve. paul was willing to give that to me, and i was more than glad to accept it really. it was my absolute first boyfriend, first kiss, first relationship.. first everything that lasted about a year. i still can't believe to this day, HOW BLIND i was to ignore family, friends.. drift away from everything that means SO much to me now. it was a good relationship while it lasted.. but everything just went too fast. how old was i for gods sake!? 15? i didn't know what "love" was. but at the time, i believed that i was in love. and i thought i knew EVERYYYYTHING. i have no doubt in my mind that paul meant everything he said to me. he's probably the ONLY guy that i've dated that has ever been genuine with me. he's probably the only guy who ever truly was in love with me. (keep in mind that being IN love and just loving someone are two completely different things..) i was young, and eventually, i wanted freedom, and i wanted to experience different things... different guys. plus, things started getting a little TOO comfortable.. at the time, i FELT that he was not taking care of himself, and that he didn't really care about what he looked like.. that was partly MY fault because i INSISTED that i didn't care b/c i didn't want to hurt his feelings when he asked about it... *sigh* (what a liar i was eh?!) it just got to be too much for me. someone else just happened to come along and show me that there were other guys that DID take care of themselves.. and i became attracted to that kind of quality. i realized, that LOOKS and APPEARANCES did count for something. or at least, I had to be attracted to the person at least a little! he didn't have to be a model, but I had to be attracted to him. physically and personality wise. so i detached myself from the relationship with paul.. and i moved on to someone else. of course, this second relationship didn't last much longer, and it ended up in flames. it was a pretty bad break up. i was hurt. hurt beyong belief. and THAT, was my first real heartbreak. acck. this is getting too long of a story. i'm so sleepy too.. but i'll try to sum it all up. at that time, i still did not know what love really was. i think with the second relationship, i was just completely infatuated with this person b/c i thought he was attrative. but when it ended, it hurt me to know that he didn't want me. it was a shock as well. *sigh* then what happened... lets see.. a few months passed and i made friends with another guy.. we were just friends, that turned into a relationship, that turned back to friends. THAT, was a tough journey that i have already talked toO much of! haha. but that was a BIG lesson for me. almost one of the most important lessons i have ever learned in this life. now that i have learned, i really believe that i could get over anything in life. (except for physical disablities i guess..!) and i'm GRATEFUL, that things turned out this way in the end, b/c we're such great friends now, and it was all worth it to learn something so amazing that was so horrible when it ended and yet SO beautiful in the long run. i now know, that i am living proof of how people CAN get through anything and be content. thrive and survive without love.. forgive the past.. and even GO BACK TO BEING FRIENDS after love ruined. it IS possible. BULLSHIT to the people who think it could never work! that's only b/c they dont WANT it to work. they dont SEE. but the want for friendship has to come from both sides. it's the greatest thing i've learned so far. and i'm truly happy this way. :)
now that you know my story, this is my dilemma. i've "found" paul through this internet connection website.. and i've been pondering and pondering in my mind... if i should try to talk to him again and apoloigize for all the wrongdoings i've done unto him. believe me, i hurt him a lot, and i regret the things i said, and did.. this may not seem like a huge deal to others, but it's a huge deal to me. the only thing i wonder, if is it's RIGHT for me to take that step towards friendship? i don't know if he is ready for it yet. yeah, it's been almost 5 years since the "relationship" part was over.. but i've read some of the things he writes and posts, and a part of me knows that it would almost be wrong for me to try and talk to him again. i dont want to remind him of anything painful, or hurt him all over again. god knows how hard it was for him to get over all this. a part of me.. doesn't even WANT to talk to him.. for fear of getting hopes up.. *sigh* i dont know how quite to explain it... everything is just an utter mess in my mind, and i'm not quite sure what to make of it. it's 3 am at the moment, so i think i'll just sleep on it tonight.. oh tobey, if only you could consolidate me! aCK. 99
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
