hey love. how's everything? at the moment i am very anxiously awaiting a plate of homemade lasanga.. even though i JUST ate an hour ago.. hmm... so much for losing the 7 lbs. i gained eh? today so far has been going okay... i haven't had any mental meltdowns from thoughts of being alone, and i semi-studied.. semi b/c i was only at barnes for a pathetic hour! i just wanted to take off my leech like contacts and lounge in pajamas... caroline is having her birthday dinner this saturday.. so i went and got her present.. it's so funny!! you gotta see it =) it from ae.. a long sleeved dark blue thermal that says "i'm in love with a firefighter"!! isn't that SO appropriate? oop. lasanga is calling me! brb =)
i feel much better!! yummm... i <3 pasta! anyhow.. so after dinner, they want to go clubbing. but i'm not so sure if i should. only and ONLY if i study a lot before her dinner. my last day at sanrio is this saturday! i work friday and saturday 10 - 3. it feels strange leaving, but it also feels totally natural. i really will miss it... some aspects of it anyway! =( i feel really bad about it kind of. i donno. i really put in a lot of time and effort into the store. it was comforting to go to work yanno? well, bio lab here i come? and studying... oh the misery of it all!
i guess the reason for all my emotional bouts lately just stems from the fact that i'm in such a hurry for things to happen. i want immediate gratification. it's really hard for me to find anyone, so i can't have an abundance of anything from a real relationship.. b/c there is NOTHING! i'm in a rush to find that person right away. so when i find myself just a tiny bit attracted to someone, i find myself in a hurry for something to happen... when that person may not even be compatible with me, or have barely even gotten to know each other! i'm just pissed off from all this waiting i guess. but.. i'm... trying... to... be... p a t i e n t . sometimes i stand in pure awe of people who have managed to find a boyfriend/girlfriend. esp. people that i'm not fond of. i can't help but wonder... MAN.. if they can do it.. what the hey man! i can do can't i? i know it's not good to judge and compare.. but it just befuddles me. then when i do happen to stumble upon boys that take a semi-interest in me, i realize that they too immature for my liking, or i simply don't like them in that way at all. (please kick me!) i don't think that i'm looking for perfection at all.. i think i just have a hard time being attracted to anyone to begin with. after all these years, i have become quite picky. then when there is someone i'm interested in.. (which is a rarity), i find that they don't like me in that way, or we don't know each other well enough, or we don't know each other at all! hmm.. having that said.. i think that maybe BECAUSE i don't know them, is the reason i am attracted to them. what would probably happen is that i if did get to know them.. they would find some giant flaw in me or i in them.
another side of me gets angry at myself for being this way. i mean, hell! how often do you hear me saying this kind of BS? (except for lately of course!) i want to kick myself in the ass and tell myself there are more important things in life than this crap. logically, OF COURSE there is. i hear myself screaming in my ear.. "you're supposed to be independent! forget this mess!" and yes, a part of me agrees with it.. but there are times when i hate that part of me to pieces, and i want to shred it all away.
i feel so complicated! my life is a rollercoaster and my heart is starting to feel like a jumbled mess. off to drown my worries in.... ORGANIC CHEMISTRY. goodbye!
<3 karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
