Let me start off this entry with a big [sigh]. I am absolutely frustrating at times. I was getting so mad at work today by co-workers, customers, etcetera. I was just NOT in a good mood today at all. And it pissed me off that I was being this way because I knew I was just behaving like a bitch. I guess it was frustrating because I had to be in the vault all day... I had so much money at the end of the day, they changed the way we sell our T.T.I.'s, we ran out of T.T.I. bag's, so I was trying to stuff over a 100 grand into two tiny bags, customers were being weird too, asking me "why do you have to tear the straps?" and I simply wanted to shout!! I mean, just because you say you counted it and you claim that there is 500 dollars in 5's here, does not mean I take your word for it!! I have to freaking verify it. It's my JOB. What is so hard to understand about that? People are so dumb sometimes. Do they honestly think... I mean, what the hell are they thinking???
Amongst other things.. Why do I feel like I'm not on the same planet as KB sometimes? In a way I've always felt this way. I brought it up a little over a week ago because I sometimes, I just sit there in shock on the other end of the phone. And I suddenly realize that we don't understand each other. Sure, I'm crazy about this boy and I hands down love him all around, but I just feel like we want/need different things at times. Of course all of this was verified when we talked about it because he even told me things that I never had a clue about. And I thought to myself, are you serious? I can't believe none of this was ever SPOKEN. I mean, that in itself I think is not a good sign. The things he said were not a good sign. Of course, he claimed this was not really that bad. And I couldn't believe he thought this because I felt completely otherwise. Yet another sign we are both on different planets.
Then, on the other side. I say to myself, "Hey - I am in love with this boy. Who the F- cares if we're on different planets." He loves me as I do him. End of story. But then...
Other times I feel too young to be in such a serious relationship. Well. I guess I'm not SO young, but I feel young about dating and relationships in general. I'm 23 years old, but feel like I have the experience level of a 18 year old. I guess on some level, I feel like I haven't experienced everything fully. I'm not sure if that's my fault? (for being so shy and fearful) or if things just happened this way for me unintentionally. I have had 3 prior boyfriends to Michael. The first certainly NOT love, but unmistakable teenage silliness. The second, complete heartbreak. The third, a very complicated situation turned sour on the romance part. Still quite iffy on the friendship end. After the third I remained single for the next 3 years. Maybe 1 year recovery time for each one of those experiences? Joke! I mean, some of them were bad, but I live my life with no regrets as I've learned a tremendous amount from each experience. Sometimes I wish that I had dated more during my single years. I dated a little.. but it wasn't really right. Plus it's different dating when you're finally over 21 I think. Or maybe I just miss the days when Mike and I were dating and even holding hands was nerve wrecking. Maybe I miss those days because I feel neglected in some ways and I want to go back to when he showed he cared. Or maybe I miss those days because of lack of experience in dating. Or maybe I miss the dating scene because the first mentioned caused the latter. It's hard to say.
I want to be 110% truthful. And all of the above said is true. I just don't know which part is more true.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
