Hi love. [sigh]. Well, what can I say? It's over. Hopelessly and utterly over. I can say that I truly gave it my all. And I don't think I can ever invest my emotions the way I did with Michael for a long long time to come. I gave too much of me up. It's really hard to stop doing something you've been doing for a long time. Loving Michael for all this time... and now I must stop because it's done.
I need to focus not on what could have happened, but on what IS happening. It's hard to push that notion out of my head. The "what ifs". I know that I made a lot of mistakes. But all I can do now is learn from them. I can't go back into the past and change my actions. I can't go back into the past and change how I felt either. So I know now that the things that I did... even though they were mistakes.. were in some ways, inevitable. Because there's no way I could have ignored how I felt at the time. If I was able to, then I would have. And since I didn't... this is the outcome, and therefore, it happened because it was right. I learned a lot of things from this relationship. And I promise myself that I won't make the same mistakes again. I learn from my experiences. I truly believe that. Each time I come out of some experience, I feel different. Changed. And that's what life does to us. Change is constant. And if it's for the better, I see no wrong with that.
I just miss him that's all. I know that all I need is time.. time to let everything sink in and know that this is right. Still, I can't help thinking about the good times. Wishing they were back.
One aspect that I am lucky in... is having a great friend that is there for me. And having a pretty upbeat roommate isn't so bad either. I'm very thankful to those two right now. Just for... being present and listening.
I think in the future... Mike and I can be friends. When I let him go... we can be friends. I know he feels bad... but the thing is, he really shouldn't. There was no easy way around this. I was bound to be hurt no matter what. It's just how I operate. And I have to grieve for our loss. I think our relationship is worth some thought, tears and hurt. It was important to me... and that's how I show that it was. By being sad for the loss for a little while... And I think that it's OKAY to be that way. It's just me. I know I'll get better... time is on my side.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
