i got in yet another major fight with a friend of mine... maybe it is really, ALL MY FAULT. but.. :/ i can't help the way i feel. i still blame everything on my friend. i donnOooo.. argh i know. i havent learned how to forgive and forget yet. not with this person and situation. theres sooooo much history, time, effort, emotions... behind all this stuff.. that it refuses to be blotted from my memory. i mean, i'm so sorry that everything happened the way it did. and i wish that it never did happen. so that we could both be living in peace, and not at war. but it's so hard to try. it sucks when you try and try and you seem to be going nowhere. you believe in yourself and you tell yourself you can do it, but in the end.. look what happens. you're back to the same pathetic state you were in before you even began to try and heal. and it's so frustrating when you've been trying for SO LONG. SO LONG! it really wears your mind down. yannO? i just don't want to try anymore.
"ending is better than mending".
i know really its not. but it's so much EASIER.
ok new revised quote: "ending is so much freaking easier than mending."
healing is such a long and grueling process. i mean, i dont wanna heal from this by leaving this person because they have to leave me. and i don't want to heal by loving another, and when i think real hard about it. i don't want to heal by ignoring the problem and praying that it will never call me again. even though, that's what i've been trying to do for the past few months. because i know that if i leave a problem behind, i left it. and i know that it was my decision to leave it be. so the healing starts within me. i don't have to rely on someone else for help. i have to rely on myself. i mean, ignoring the problem is such a simple solution, because i never have to see the problem again! but, in this case. i do. i have to. and i maybe i even want to. i suppose i just don't know how to begin. i know where, but i don't know how. maybe i'm just in love with my sadness. maybe i like wallowing in my misery. UGH. but if it's one thing that's going to motivate me to stop being like this.. is hating myself when i am this way. because it's freaking pathetic!! and i really depise people who can't take care of themselves. so i will begin at the beginning.
<3 a Hurt dOggy.
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
