hey you. i don't want to sleep because i know that i dont have to wake up at any particular time tomm.. sO! i wanted to write to you again.. just because im feeling those feelings again. i really want to write a more inspirational entry for myself so that i could cheer myself up on those blue days. but i just dont feel cheerful nower days. im just angry and bitter. i just feel that everything life has given me so far, it hasn't been fair. i know that i shouldnt feel that way because there are far more people who are in a way worse situation than i could ever imagine to be in, and yet.. i still feel that i've been cheated out of a great deal of things, emotionally that is. i mean, i have a roof over my head, i'm fed till i feel like a stuffed pig, i'm lucky enough to have clothing to wear, all this i have. i have the essentials i need to live.
emotionally however, i feel drained. it's not fair you know.. it's not fair, the friends and boyfriends i have had in the past. i mean, i have a few good friends. but most have deserted my life.. even a few once important ones.. where are they now? up and gone, that's where they've gone. and as for those ex boyfriends. what was up with that "i'll love you till the day that i die" crap. why did you even feed me that sort of bull shit? why couldnt you people have just been up front and say "all i really want is to satisfy my sexual desire. yeah, maybe i care about you a little.. but not really. it will fade in time. when i leave you for someone else, or i just get tired of you, or when i decide you're not as important anymore.. it will all fade. so don't get emotionally attached ok?" alright. so i know why guys dont just say that. cause obviously, they wouldnt get what they were going after in the first place. ok. i comprende. i understand. but its not fair. it's just not fair!! why do they have to do it. love is a strange thing, it is.. love is a frightening thing.. love is an illusion. what you think is love, is lust. what you think is trust, is false. it seems like.. everything you think.. it's not true. the games that people play.. the things that people do. i dont understand. but i guess it all comes back to the same answer i always see... we're all human beings. and that's what humans do best. make mistakes, hurt each other, be selfish. so what is my goal in life than? to become an animal? i guess that's why i love animals so much. there's GOOD reason behind what they do. they don't kill each other for sport. they dont think of devious plans to get what they want. if they want something, they just go for it. they live in packs, herds, etc. and there's a certain hierarchy with power. they kill because thats what they eat, and their society is highly organized.. i mean, everything they do is just so straightforward. i LOVE it. i mean, i would never want to live as an animal.. but i mean, i donno. there's got to be some sort of medium between human and animal. yanno? i wish there was. and that's what i wish i were. a human who is not SO selfish (i mean, everyone has GOT to be a little selfish. if you werent a little selfish.. then you'd be DEAD because you'd have given all your food and clothing to someone else.), a human who is honest to all.. our psychology teacher was telling us that we all play different roles with different people. but i dont want to do that! i just want to be me. and i want to be the same, with everyone. why should i be different for anyone? for example, should i be nice and silly around my friends and a bossy know it all around my family? yet.. that is what i am. but i SO dont want to be that way. im trying tobey im TRYING! im trying to change myself to be what i want. to be me. i should be just as nice with my family as i am with my friends.. i dont want to put up fronts and play different roles around different people. i just want to be myself, and not be a fake.
my internal goals:
1. to let go of the past.. to learn how to forgive and forget!
2. to be myself at all times
3. to always be honest to myself and others
4. to not be TOO selfish or greedy
5. to not be so annoyed by people. to be more accepting of others.
6. to not judge by sight, but by conversation and actions.
well, let's see if i can be what i want so badly to be. beginning at number 1. i suppose i've moped and wept long enough. it's time to let go.
love,
a dOggy
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
