hey. right now, i need an ear. and you're always there. (thank god for that..) i hate this feeling. that sad feeling. i hate the fact that i can't change back to the way we used to be. me and.. my friend. i guess i don't try so hard.. because i give up after only trying a little. but it's only because i know that he's happier like this. or it seems like it. i hate the fact that i'm a girl, and that he's a guy. because to him, everything is so simple. if there's a problem, then fine. let's fix it. but for me, there's so many emotional issues involved. i just recently got over the relationship part of our relationship.. and now i know i can move onto friendship and actually be happy. but it's funny. now that i've let go, our friendship isn't the same. yanno how i said time heals all pain.. i guess time changes relationships as well. and it makes me so sad to see this. and realize that we don't know each other so well anymore.
you know what my problem is? my problem is, i want to be special to him. our relationship didn't work out right? so fine, if i can't be the girlfriend. i'll settle for best friend. but now.. it's not even that anymore. i guess it is my fault because i don't attempt to make any futile calls, and since i'm the one that needed all that time to get over it. but can you blame me? i needed it badly. but now that i'm over it, our friendship is at the lowest point it's ever been, and threatening to go even lower still. it's not even about hanging out with everyone, or getting calls.. it's how we don't hang out like we used to. he makes all these excuses about going to the gym and etc. etc. but it's not why... i miss all the stupid things. like just lounging around in front of the tv, and talking about nothing. i miss that you know? i guess it's just my attachment neurotransmitter. i can't believe there is even such a thing. a chemical in your brain that forms attachments with people. strange isn't it? but still... that is what makes me so depressed these days. not having a best friend. or losing the one that i had... and not being able to do a damn thing about the way i feel. it's horrible. it's horrible that i want so much from just a simple friendship. i guess that's the next question for me, can i just settle down and accept just plain old friendship between me and him. i don't know.. i hate that. i hate knowing that this guy, this guy i used to call my best friend.. is only a memory now. i wish i could think like a guy and just be OKAY with everything. i mean, for me.. it's either all or nothing. i've always been that way.. with things that really matter to me. and if he doesn't want to make things the same with me, then i'll be happier being strangers in this lifetime. that's how dumb i am. and i'm so dumb that i can't even put down my pride to try and make things WORK... it's an ugly thing it is. pride. it's what makes me cancel his calls, and what makes me avoid that places where he's at. it's what keeps me back from calling him, instead of him calling me all the time. it's what makes me a bitch. and he sure as hell must know it by now. if i could, i'd burn my pride down and let the ashes fly away into the wind as if it were nothing.. i wish i would just put down my pride for the people that matter to me.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
