how are you doing tonight? i'm sleeeepy, tired, exhausted. i'm so tired of waking up at 3 in the morning to study. it just kills me. i have to physically ROLL myself out of my bed at times, argh. i'm just glad that this last week, is the last HELL WEEK for a while! and hopefully, i can keep my promise to just always keep up with the work instead of learning it all last minute like i always so. bleh. that should be much easier next semester considering i'm never going to be working night shifts, or weekdays for that matter. it should help a lot. god. i want A's so bad. too bad i'll prolly only have ONE this semester. i feel so pathetic. i donno why? well, i was thinking about it. you know, this semester.. with the loss of a good friend, (sometimes, i think.. my only friend.) i had nothing else to focus my attention to. nothing POSTIVE. pouring my all into something that's not going to help me, nah.. i'll pass. that's exactly the reason i don't want to get myself into "negative situations" or things that will hurt me in the end. i always try to think about how it's going to affect me in the long run. a lot of people, smoke, drink, party, away their stress. or use it as an alternative to a temporary relief. like a pill. i quite simply haven't (not to say i haven't or ever will) let that run my life. i'm not saying it's a bad way either. you know, i know some people that can handle themselves. people who get drunk ever weekend, but still are marvelous geniuses at school. (it's not fair dammit!) but that doesn't work for me. i mean, hell. i only smoked weed twice and i really do believe it has altered my memory. anyways, for me. that's a negative thing to do. one another reason i haven't been able to do those things is quite simply, i haven't been OUT with people in a while.. and i know it's mainly my fault. i feel so distant from everyone right now.. i dont know. did i let it get that way? did i decide that i wanted to pour my all into school and work, since i had nothing postive to resolve it into? i guess, i dono. that's what i feel like i did this semester. i feel like ever since i lost my friend, i knew that there was going to be a big VOID in my life. so i mentally planned ahead that i was gonna finally go ahead and get my life together. (i guess that's a good thing? i'm not quite sure.) so yeah, everything is pretty ok with me.. i'm not screwing anything up, but at the same time.. i'm not doing anything else. i just study, work, eat, sleep, be crazy with my sister, study, work, study, work, study, work. time wise, in my life, there is no void. i'm a busy bee.
emotionally, i feel like nothing. i feel so empty, blank, nonexistant. because i've got nothing, and no one. yeah, i've got friends.. and they're there for me, and i'm there for them.. but i donno.. something else missing, and it ain't no guy. well, that part IS missing, but i'm past that. something else. someone else. someone who actually understands. and do i think that i can satisfy this urge my being my own friend? do i think that i can fill that emptiness with a good grade in chemistry? or any class for that matter? am i so dependent on myself that i justify to myself that i don't need anything or anyone? that i can understand myself? i guess i have found, that no matter how dependent on myself i am, depending on myself, doesn't fill the hole, doesn't fill the grave. i've filled it with the fragile crisp of fall's leaves, sand, everything. everything except for something SOLID. why? i have no idea still. why do i do this? i don't know. WHY.... is the question. hmm. i could think on that.. but tobey, you know you feel when you've been up too long and only getting 3 hours of sleep per night? you feel SO utterly exhausted at the end of the day. i would saw my feet off, and lay contently in my grave. that's how i feel right now. and i'm starved too. i'm so glad that i've finally learned chem. now all i have left is the final... hell week. shit. enviromental studies, chem, then stats. psych was over with today, and i think im gonna end up getting a C in the class. oy. and you know? somehow i think a C is better than a B. because when you get a B, you know that you were that much closer to an A. i donno.. haha i'm weird. i'm stinking weird. i'm freaking tired. i don't know if i really know what i'm trying to say.
i'm reaching out for something, trying to grope for some meaning in the lost darkness. but really, it's no where to be found. maybe i'm not even really trying. am i trying to find meaning in my life? i have no idea. i sorta thought that the meaning would just come to me. i thought i'd find SOMEONE, who would understand. i thought they would just fall from the sky, and we'd be a match made in heaven. and i truly want you to understand tobey, it's not a guy i truly want. it's a companion. do you understand? ahh, how could you? you're nothing but http://www........ you're nothing but DIARYLAND. how could you possibly comprehend anything that i'm saying? ahhh. F***. how could i EXPECT you to? i wish you could give me some feedback. haha, there is one thing i look forward to tonight. and that's going to bed. crawling into those crisp covers, and snuggling up with the softest little dog ever (thanks to my bunnie) and not waking up until midafternoon. atleast i'm finally getting a break. i work 3 - 9 tomorrow. study all day sundaY! good night...........
-a tired me
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
