i know i probably stress waYYYYYY too much about this... but i dont know what school to go to!! or if i'll even get into some of these schools!! okay.. i'm trying to get organized.. but it's hard. i think now... i am going to apply to all of the UC's with the exception of riverside. i do want to go to the best school for my major.. but damn. my heart really is still set on Santa Cruz.. just b/c it's so damn gorgeous. i'm going to apply to UCB under 'integrative biology'. UCD under 'wildlife and fish conservation biology'. UCI under 'biological sciences'. UCLA under 'ecology, behavior, and evolution' or 'biology'. UCSD under 'biology: ecology, behavior and evolution'. UCSB under 'zoology'. UCSC under 'biology with environmental biology concentration' or 'environmental studies/biology combined'. and last but not least.. i'm going to apply to one state school. humboldt state under 'wildlife'. and yep.. that school is the farthest away i believe.. it's so far up north, it's practically in oregon. or so i've heard! i went to the wildlife society website.. and they had certain schools listened under there.. the only one they had in california were berkley and davis. does that mean those are the only schools that are good for this major? shhhhhhit. i have no freaking idea! other people tell me that it doesn't really matter where you go for your undergraduate studies.. graduate studies are what matter. plus this whole distance thing. *siGh*. i've no clue. am i just busting my brain over nothing or what?! yeah.. i donno.. well, it IS my future.. for a good 2 years anyway. prolly 3. i want to stay close to home.... but i also want to go far away tooo.. just to see what its like. start fresh and new.. the only thing now that is keeping my heart closer to home is the money issue. going to school somewhere like UCSB or UCSC.. it's more expensive b/c they are by beaches... schooling may not necessarily be too much more--but living costs will be. that's what i'm worried about. but if i had my choice, and if undergraduate studies really dont matter so much.. then i really would go to UCSC! but if i'm only thinking about saving money.. then i would go to UCI.. IF undergraduate studies dont matter much. and if undergraduate studies DID matter much.. i'd go to davis or berkley.. maybe la? HA--but that's thinking beyond my good fortune. i hardly think berkley or la would accept me with my current UNfab gpa. i MUST do well in summer school! i MUST get straight As! MUST MUST MUST MUST!
i CANNOT be how i was this last semester. i was such a lazy fucking ass. i still am a lazy fucking ass! i feel that being physically unhealthy has to do with a direct correlation with how i feel when it comes to school, and just about everything else. i'm always TIRED, a bit edgy,.. my heartbeat goes out of wack when i move up a flight of stairs. i'm always hungry for something high in calories. i inhale french fries like the air that i breathe. i sleep 10 hours a night and i feel tired when i am forced to get up. this can't possibly be right. i have to start doing better for myself. really. i'm not proud of being like this, and i dont want to be like this! ugh.. but the hard part is trying to START. the tough part is the very begining.
right now, nothing feels right. mentally, physically.. *sigh* i'm a huge burden to some of my friends, and i've emotional ties that i still need to burn! just b/c you're close with someone, and you have this "comfort" level with them doesn't mean that you get to hog all their time. i know it isn't right. it's just that, it's so damn comfortable to be that way. so freaking secure. someone always there to hang out with. and even though the relationship ties have unraveled and only the friendship lines remain.. this stupid sense of security keeps me worried about the friendship! dammit karen. friends are NOT toys you can take out and play with anytime you choose. friends are to share and to care. aCk. i know i know. i guess i'm just a very selfish friend. especially when i've got a comfortable friend. comfortable friends are so.. well.. comfortable! they are so easy to be yourself around with. you dont have to try hard with a comfortable friend, you only have to show your presence, and everything else just seems to move right along. it's so easy to become too dependent on a comfortable friend. which is definately a bad thing. you should never be too dependent on anyone. except for, of course, yourself. it's too easy to hog comfortable friends. they're your security, and that's what everyone wants nower days.. but you know what? people shouldn't do that. I shouldn't do that. comfortable friends are NOT for the taking. friends are supposed to be.. there for each other. proud of each other. support for each other. and NOT.. parent figures. bossy friends. jealous people. aieee... it's so confusing to have a friend, and to be a friend. well, for me.. it's easier to be a friend than to have a friend. i guess my expectations of a "friend" is somewhat unrealistic? haha.. i donno. but you know what.. i'm going to save that for another day. i'm gonna chat with a friend. (EHH) and go to bed. i'm tired as hell. what the hell is the matter with me. i may appear to be healthy, but really...... i'm just a giant pig inside!
<3 karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
