i'm quite tired at the moment, as i usually am at this late hour.. *yaWn*. i was going to stop by a party my friends are throwing. sort of. but i decided against since i've got to work tomorrow 11 - 7! whoO.... oh well. as long as i dont have a scary trig and chem final in one day eh? i'm rather happy actually! i'm working a lot so that i can save my money and get all the cd's i have ever dreamed of. i'm working as much as possible before hell becomes reality once more.. *siGh*. good golly. i'm a bit afraid of my fall and spring schedules coming up.. it looks like i will have to take physics after all. quite honestly, i dont believe that my mind or body could possibly be willing or even be able to take o-chem, biology, physics and maybe calc as well?! that's 3 sciences and 1 tough math cookie. i'm thinking..... i think i can handle 2 sciences and 1 math. or 3 sciences and no math. ugh. i really don't want to take 3 sciences though, since all of those classes come with gruesome lab work.. aiee. i dont know anymore. i'm probably going to end up doing 2 sciences and 1 math. most likely o-chem, physics and calc? i'm gonna have to research and rack my brains to figure this out. :/ not quite looking forward to that....
today, as i was leaving work, thoughts running amuck in my mind... i started thinking again. about my problem you know. it began to occur in my head that maybe i never truly fixed the problem to begin with. maybe i just wanted so badly to mend everything, i just believed that i did... my mind believed it to be true, but still.. my heart rather tugs in strange directions. directions that i can't handle. ways that i don't want to follow. i don't want to walk down those same dark places again.. i refuse! at least.. most of the time i refuse. i don't understand any of it myself. i don't understand why i let myself relapse into this utter horror which i know is my hell. i KNOW better then this by now. and now, ever since i began to feel these strange callings all over again.. i feel as though it's almost something that i was once addicted to, that i weaned myself off of. and now it's calling back to me.. like an old habit. an old routine. almost as if it were a long lost friend. it's so easy to fall back isn't it? i almost want to go back into the hole. i'm so confused tobey! most of the time, i feel strong about it. like i made the right choice. that i can do it and i have done it and i will do it. but maybe what i need--is just to stay away? maybe there is no cure to this sickness. maybe i just have to, need to, be away.. it's the only resolution that is 110% effective. it's the way to be SURE.. of course if i go about that route, i'll lose quite a bit. i suppose in the end, that's why i feel that going away.. going away from home will be the greatest thing that ever happened for me. cause i'll be free from everything. when i leave, it will be the mark of a better life.. not just better days. i'm tired of temporary relief. i want to be completely healed.
~karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
