Hey doll. I just got back from going to SD with the regulars.. and I'm freaking tired as hell! I seem to fall asleep very easily nower days. My friends get so mad at me when I fall asleep in the movie theater especially. I know they just don't want me to waste my money, but damn it, if I want to sleep then let me sleep unless I ask otherwise! (That was my stubborn ass talking by the way.) hehe. I did that just last night during my failed attempted viewing at Collateral with some of the bio kids. I fell asleep through a lot of it and kind of missed the jist of it all. I heard that it was a good movie from everyone else when I woke up however, so I guess it comes recommended. heh. We ate at Yardhouse before going into the movie and it was very yummy! KB and I ate the left over ham and pineapple pizza in the morning and what was our method of warming up pizza minus a microwave? A frying pan of course. =D Tonight in SD, Mike and Ben put together Ben's new table and desk, while Caroline and I just simply... sat there. They wouldn't let us do anything!!
Do you want to know what I like best about KB? I've never met someone with such incredible patience. He's so damn nice to me. And I don't mean in the flower giving, material showing kind of way. I mean in a genuine, very Real, patient and honest way (although the compliments are just a bit over the top to the point I can't believe!!). Granted, it's only been a bit over 2 months, but I really feel that he is not much of a faker, but a person who is more genuine than I have found in most. I can truly appreciate that about him after meeting so many damn fake people in my life. I mean, I still think that I am fake in more ways than one, but I don't think I take it to the limit as the average joe. Nonetheless, I try to be as Real as possible. He does too, and I just enjoy that immensely. We might go to the Q and Not U concert in September so I'm super excited about that!! I've really come to appreciate this band and I recommend it without any doubts. A Line in the Sand is my favorite song right now. =)
I also served today at NewSong, in hopes with Sebastian's words that God would say something to me. For some reason, I didn't seem to hear anything.. It's like I already know the answers to my questions, it's just that I won't accept these answers. I know that I'm not perfect and we all sin. I also realize that sin is not measured with a ruler, but are all critqued the same way: no one sin is worse than the other. But can I have a good and loving relationship with God knowing that I sin willingly over and over again? To me, it seems completely wrong. I guess that's the reason why I felt like a criminal last Sunday at church. Sometimes I wonder if I should even go to church at all anymore. I refuse to claim to be something that I'm not living 110% by, and right now, I cannot call myself a Christian and I'm certainly not living the Christian life. When I find myself talking or praying to God, I feel totally ashamed, like I don't deserve to talk to him. Like I should walk away and drop the only thing in life that I know to be Real and True. Sometimes I think to myself.. How can I do that? To have seen Truth and yet walk away from it, hoping it will still be there when I come back. What kind of a horrible person am I to do such a thing? Yes, I believe in God. Yes, I believe that he sent his only son to die on the cross for our sins. But even though I have accepted Truth, because the way I am living my life today, I don't believe I deserve a drop of goodness from God. His mercy should NOT be chosen for me when I feel like I am betraying what I believe in. I feel far worse than anyone who doesn't believe in God. I feel far worse than any atheist or devil worshipper on this earth because I know Truth, accept it but deny it. There should be a special circle in hell for people like me.
Okay, I'm going to stop beating myself up now. Turn myself over to sleep. Beach tomorrow with Ben and Mike for sure! I can't help but wonder what my life has in store for me, the decisions I will make, if God will ever forgive me for my flaws which I believe are unforgiveable.. Despite all the doubts and questions I still have about God.. none of that is of vast importance as this one simple statement. God made the world, or the world made itself. That's IT for me and it took me so damn long to see it. It took so much in me to realize, it's not really about the questions and doubts that fill my mind. These questions are forever endless. No matter how much I feel that the "important" quesions have been answered, no matter how many explanations and theories I find about my doubts, I will always formulate questions. I mean, having the answers is a nice confirmation, but this is more about Faith than anything else.
"If God were small enough for our minds, he wouldn't be big enough for our needs."
I truly believe that with certainty, and I truly believe that one day, all of our questions about God will be answered to a greater satisfaction than we ever expected. How can we ever think that we will understand things the way that He does? He is the sole creator, our maker, and it's granted even in THIS world, that we cannot always understand to completion the way that the ones who are above us in relation work and function. Is that not true? Think of a child and his or her parents. No matter how hard this child tries to understand his or her parents for why they do the things that they do... this child will never understand fully because his or her mentality compared to the parents are worlds apart. Just like a child who cannot understand measurement.. most small children believe that a tall cup of 3 oz. of soda is greater in amount than a 5 oz. of soda in a low bowl. They cannot grasp this concept. We ARE God's children and just as the small child cannot understand measurement, we cannot fully understand God's ways. We are truly Worlds Apart, but one day, all will see eye to eye with Truth.
Sheesh.. I said I was going to bed a while ago eh?!! Good riddance of me. 99!
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
