Okay.. well, where do I begin? The weekend started off well enough, then kind of turned to crap on Saturday. On Friday night, me, the roomies, and some of O's friends went to Revolutions in Fullerton for Omar's birthday. It was fun while it lasted.. that is, until I got home and accidently called my dad while I was drunk!! Really, REALLY drunk BTW. Reason being, Mike is #6 on my speed dial. My dad is #3. I guess I hit 3, when I wanted to hit 6, and I didn't know who I was talking to for a while in my stupidity. My dad having very poor grammer, mistook my blabberings for "I want to come home but I can't." What I probably said was "I want to come over but I can't!" since I thought I was talking to Mike. Really quite stupid. It took a couple of minutes for me to figure out that I was NOT talking to Mike, but my freaking dad! I hung up out of confusion. He kept calling me but I decided I would deal with it in the morning. So I woke up the next day to a phone call from Verizon Wireless. They tell me that my dad couldn't get through to me and that they were going to connect us now. I had to explain everything to my dad while the customer service guy was having a grand old time laughing at me. My dad also called all my friends, and some of their parents at 4 am, trying to figure out what happened. I guess he thought that I was about to commit suicide for some reason. My dad didn't know that Ben and I weren't talking for a long time, so he decided to call his parents as well. So now I have to call Ben's parents tomorrow and tell them what happened. That's going to suck. I really like them, but they are pretty conservative asian parents. I don't want to lie though, so I'll just have to suck it up. I think my dad is still pretty pissed. o_O
That wasn't even the worst part of my weekend. I went out for Mike C.'s 21st birthday at Dave and Busters. I knew that Ben would be there and I really thought that I could hold my composure and be okay, but I just wasn't. Just seeing him made me so upset. Then he tried to say hello to me and I completely ignored him.
A lot of people, including KB, don't understand why I didn't just say hello and leave it at that. Maybe I'm a difficult person to understand, or my mentality isn't among the norm, but there was no way, no point in saying hello to someone who really really hurt me.
Nobody knows what I've been through ever since Ben and I stopped talking. This person was supposed to be my best friend. You'd think that someone who is your best friend would treat you with respect. You'd think that someone who is your best friend would call and apologize for something they did wrong. I did. I really thought that eventually, he cared enough about our friendship to call me and say sorry. I waited for that phone call, and it never came. I started feeling everything. Disappointment, sadness, anger, bitterness ... I felt betrayed. I could NOT believe that he didn't give a damn. I could not let that go. So when he came up to me and tried to say hello, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to come up to me and say hi. What the hell for?! We're not friends. He didn't care about me. He SHOWED me that he didn't care. He never gave me any respect, so do I need to give him any? In my opinion, NO. All I saw, was a person who didn't care about me. I'm not one to pretend. I feel that I would have been such a FAKE if I responded back with a hello. Because that is NOT what I feel. That is not what I want to say to him. I don't want to pretend like everything is all right when it's not. And I'm not going to fake it just because people want me to. That is utter bullshit to me, and I'm not willing to blow my beliefs out of the water for someone who has shown me that they don't give a shit about me.
Not only that, but it's not really anybody else's business on what's happened between us. I've heard everybody's advice but they do not know the same Ben that I knew. They were not involved in our relations, they didn't hear our conversations and they don't our friendship was like. They don't know what I felt then or what I feel now. They don't know the tears I've cried or how much thought I have given to our friendship that once was.
Ben and I are supposed to talk, but that hasn't happened yet. Even if we do talk and we become enemies, strangers, aquaintences, friends, or best friends I don't regret anything I've done. I realize this is a very personal issue of mine and I'm typing it up on internet journal, but I don't care anymore. If you were there on Saturday night and you thought otherwise of me, and even told me so, well, this is all my reasoning behind my thoughts. I've nothing to hide on how I feel. I'll be honest, even if you think it's to a fault. If you don't like it or disagree, then don't seek your thoughts into mine.
Sorry Tobey. I hope to be in a better spirits next time I see you. Good night.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
