Hi darling. I am pretty pissed off at the moment. On Saturday evening our power went out. Apparently this only happened on our block. KB and I went out with Rene for her friends birthday in Irvine. Afterwards we hung out at Time Out Tavern in Aliso and met up with Jeff (one of Mike's old roomies). It was pretty fun for the most part except that KB and I got in a bit of a fight at the end of the night. Anyways, that is not why I am pissed off. Our power went out Saturday evening and it is now Monday afternoon and the power is STILL out. WTF?!! Because we have no power, nothing is working of course. So the ants finally got into the fridge and raided almost everything inside. I was so pissed. I had to miss my first class this morning to clean up the mess. I had to throw everything away. Throwing away groceries is pretty much throwing away money to me. I mean, why the fuck does it take so fucking long for Southern California Edison Company to fix this problem only on our block?? This should not take more than one fucking day. This is totally ridiculous and they won't tell us when they will fix this outage. I am pissed because 1) I had to throw all of our food away. 2) Medusa needs her heat lamp. This is probably stressing her out. 3) I don't have any internet access, can't charge my phone, can't use the microwave or stove, and don't have a working fridge so that means I have to eat out for most of my meals and that can get pricey!! It's also just ANNOYING that I have to live by candlelight during the night. It's also annoying that it's about 110 degrees during the daytime in Chino Hills and that is fucking HOT. We can't use AC, or a fan, or anything for that matter that needs to be plugged in. I already called them this morning to bitch at them, and they lady told me that I could file a claim for the food that we had to throw away. I'm so mad right now. I just want to scream at them!!! I am tired of not having electricity.... Can I please strangle someone.... o_O Okay... That's all I have to say about that.
Well.. KB and I did fight on Saturday night but we're okay now. Sometimes it's just so overwhelming with the way that things get. To be honest, sometimes I doubt my relationship with Mike a lot. I know exactly what I want out of my life, out of a relationship, out of love. So I have to wonder if Mike fits what I want.
I was thinking last night that it might be a good idea if Mike and I took a break from each other. Just because I think that both of our opinions about each other and this relationship is very biased because we see each other pretty regularly. I was thinking that maybe if we spent time apart... that I could see clearly about our relationship as time came to separate us longer. Your thoughts and opinions are always so different from another perspective. And I think that time would provide a different perspective. I was thinking that it would either make me realize that I really am happy with this relationship and this is what I truly want. Or I was thinking that I would realize that I need more from this relationship than Mike can give me and we can both move on. I guess that's what "breaks" are right? But... I think people take breaks not to analyze the relationship from a new light, but take a break just because they're annoyed as hell of each other and can't take it anymore. Then they take that time to have fun by whatever method. For some people it's by dating other people. For others they just want the fun of making out with random people.. or whatever. I don't want or need to do any of that stuff.. I just want to be on my own for a while and to see if I'm happier the second way.
What I am afraid of.... and this would be the worst situation to come.. is if Mike and I do take a break.. and I realize that I am happy with our relationship and that this is what I want... that during the break he'll start to see things differently also and maybe change his mind about me also. Maybe he wouldn't want to be with me anymore after that... I guess it's a risk I'd have to be willing to take. And... the truth is.. I'm just not sure. I just don't know if I'm willing to loose Mike because of some "feelings" that I'm feeling.
The truth is.. sometimes I don't think that I'll be able to find anything better than what I've found already... ever. That's not to say that I think lowly of myself. I think my self-esteem is good. I think I deserve a good guy. And Mike is that. He is a good guy. He just sometimes fails in expectations that I have at times. Those categories pertain to being romantic, and being able to have trust between us. And I know that he has a list of me that he doesn't like as well.. and can I change those things about myself? If they are personality traits.. that's going to be extremely difficult. But if they are more traits that don't have anything to do with who I am as a person.. then it might not be so bad to change them for him.
Here's a story I like...
When I was a little girl, ice skating was one of my favorite hobbies. So when I saw these beautiful pair of skates at the skating store at the mall... I begged my parents to buy them for me. They didn't buy it for me right then and there, but I did end up recieving those skates that I wanted later on for my birthday. I remember being so excited as I lifted the diamond studded skates out of the box.
The thing was, I thought that they were so beautiful that if I wore them, one of the diamonds would fall off or I that I might get marks on the skates that I so loved. So I didn't wear them to skating practice, or out on the pond in the winter, or anywhere at all. I would periodically wear them around my room and look at how I looked with them on, and then they'd go straight into the box.
A quite of bit of time went by when I finally decided that I wanted to wear my skates outside and use them on the ice for the first time. But do you know what happened? I tried to put on those skates and I couldn't get my heel to go in for the life of me. I had outgrown my skates and I'd never took the opportunity to actually use them.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
