Hi love. Today was a pretty thought provoking day. I made a LOT of realizations on my way home from UCLA. Well, I guess I should just say something about my day and last night in general before I go on... Yesterday night Rene came over and we went to go eat sushi for dinner. We came back to my house and played video games and watched a little of a movie which I cannot even recall the title of since I fell asleep. I had a rough night the night before since that was the night Mike and I ended. I also stayed up talking to Darren and such, and had to wake up super early the next morning for a field trip where I was basically netting for fish for 4 straight hours. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was actually tons of fun, but exhausting at the same time! So by the time 9 pm rolled around, I was POOPED.
You know what I love about Rene? She was always there for me in my time of need. It's truly amazing what a fabulous friend she is. I remember texting her yesterday asking if she could sleep over. She texted me back in less than a minute with "You got it." I love her for that. I mean, I love her for a lot of things that she's done and for who she is in general as a person. But I'm amazed by how understanding she is. I'm so lucky to have met her. And the reality is, I would have never met her if I didn't date Mike. Anyways, so she slept over last night and I woke up this morning feeling straight up cruddy. I was thinking a lot about Mike again. I just seems like something so normal for me to do, thinking about Mike right when I wake up. So I thought about him, and how what we had is totally gone. And I felt sad. It's weird now, because when I'm around people, generally, I have no sad thoughts or feelings just because if I'm interacting, there's no time to do such things. But when I'm alone, I've got all the time in the world to mope. So I realize that being around people right now is very good for me. So when I saw Rene when I woke up, I felt better. Then she had to leave to go mountain biking with her co-workers, so when she left, I felt bad again. She left around 7:30 in the morning, and I just couldn't get back to sleep.
So I tried to do some simple activities.. I walked Cory. Cleaned up a bit. Watched some TV. I felt OKAY. Darren woke up a bit later, and talking to him made me feel better. Then I was off to UCLA to see Suey and study with her all day. We studied at The Coffee Bean, then went grocery shopping for our dinner. We made ravioli and potatoes. =D It came out pretty good and her roommates were impressed for some reason. Her roommates are all pretty friendly, cool people. I'd met them once before, so it was nice seeing them again.
Then I drove home... and I thought and I thought and I thought. I felt that I was thinking endlessly. But the thoughts that I had surprised me. I realized a lot of things on the drive home. I realized that the love that Mike and I had was very weak. It was weak because 1. he no longer loved me, 2. therefore, I was the only one left in love, 3. I didn't feel loved even when we were both in love. The third reason is the most important. It stands out. Because even when things were "good" between us, even when we were not fighting and I felt OKAY. I often felt UNloved by Michael, even though he said he loved me. It's not that I didn't really believe him. It's because I believe love is a verb, and I felt that he didn't act on it. Actually, that is OKAY. I mean, it's OKAY that that's how he expresses his love in a simple manner. That's how he likes it. And I shouldn't try to mold someone to fit what I want. They should just be who they are. But because of this experience, I realize that I want a deeper love than that. I honestly don't believe that the love that I want is better than his or anything like that. It's just what I want. What I prefer. It's just as if you were to ask me what my favorite ice cream flavor was, and I'd reply, chocolate. Does that make chocolate better than vanilla and strawberry? To me, it's just what I want. To someone else, they might choose strawberry, or mint chocolate chip, or whatever! And that doesn't make one flavor better or worse than the other in the scheme of things. Personally it would be better for me to have what I prefer, just as it would be for everyone else. And that's OKAY. There is nothing wrong with that! And I saw tonight.. that Michael was vanilla, and all this time, I wanted him to be chocolate. You are probably laughing right now if you are reading this, but seriously! It's true. I wanted more from him. More than he could ever give me. Why? Because that's not who he is. I saw tonight that our love was wrong. I realized that he was right about me not being the one. He didn't want the flavor that I am either. It's an amazing thing to realize. Just because I couldn't get the notion out of my head that we could have been so right for each other. In reality, it wouldn't have worked. I'm not going to say "never have" because I don't believe in "never" anymore. I never believed that this could have happened before. And I was wrong. I learned a great deal from this relationship... that people need things from love. Mike needs a simple, uncomplicated, straight-forward love, and I need something like that, but I need it to be a little deeper than that. And there is nothing wrong with that. I learned how important trust is. I truly learned not to sweat the small stuff. I had always believed that before, but the lies and mistrust really swayed my decision on who I was. So I questioned many things about our relationship. So much to the point of exhaustion. I also learned to respect other people's feelings, to make no assumptions, that happiness is a route, not a destination. And indirectly, I learned that friendships are just as important as relationships.
I'm not going to lie to you. I've always had this skewed thought in my head that relationships are more important than friendships. I see now that I was wrong to think that. I even used to think that sometimes, I have more fun with my boyfriend than with my friends. And I chose often to hang out with my boyfriend because of that thought. I never thought it was wrong to think that. I see now that the two are uncomparable and both are of equal utmost importance. They are just different. Honestly, I learned to not take my friends for granted. I learned so much that I can't even remember all the things that I realized!
I don't think that I'm completely and fully healed. But I do think that I have taken a BIG step in letting go of Mike. I think I'll have moments where I will miss Michael and our past relationship, but I think they will remain moments. And I know that as time goes on, they will be come less and less frequent, and will stop completely one day.
Right now, I can say that I'm very lucky to be able to open my eyes and see with much more clarity. Isn't life just a lifelong lesson? Learning more and more as time flies by....
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
