Hi love. [yawn]!! Today was pretty exhausting. Went to my 8 am class then got out of school around 2 pm. Went to turn in my tuition reimbursement at the bank and say hello to everyone there. After I went to work at the animal hospital until 8:30 and I just got home a bit ago. I was scheduled until 8:00, but there was a lot of stuff left to do. I guess that happens at any work place.
Today was an okay day. I think it's weird that the mornings seem the worst for me during my "getting over Michael" period. It's because he's been the first thing I think about when I wake up for a long long time. It's hard to stop habit I guess. Maybe it's also because every day I wake up now is around 6 in the am. And that means that it's dark, and no one else is awake. It makes me feel very alone. Sometimes I wake up and think that I had a bad dream. Because it's happened to me before when we were together. I'd dream that we broke up, then I'd wake up and see him sleeping next to me and wonder if that had really happened. It just seemed so real you know? Only now when it happens, I haven't dreamt at all... it's only my memories from reality that leak into the next day that wake and startle me like that.
When I miss Michael now... it's a dull and numb kind of pain. I still cry a little, but it's not the panicked, frantic, desperate crying. They are tears that are within my control. Sometimes I choose to let them out, and other times I keep them to myself. Sometimes I have these crazy fantasies in my head.. that he'd come back to me or something. I KNOW for a fact that it won't happen. But it's what my heart wants to believe right now, and so it's calling these unrealistic thoughts to my head. I have to push them out of my mind.. and face reality.
It's not that I don't believe everything I said last time I wrote. I believe everything I said and learned 110%. It's just that.. I KNOW there will still be days that I will miss Michael and be sad for a bit.. This was one of those days. The mornings happen to be the worst moments.. I know these things will all pass with time. It's just that the wound is still fresh. I'm waiting for it to scab up and leave it's scar on who I am. Don't take that remark negatively. When I think of a scar, I don't see an ugly remain. I simply see an experience that has changed who you are. And it's true. This experience will change me. No doubt about that. But if the change is for the better of who I am, then I can't really complain.
I'm reading a book right now called Don't Call That Man! by Rhonda Findling. I think it's a fantastic self-help book for people (especially women) who have been dumped. Here's some of the things that really caught my attention.
"Abandonment is among one of our most primal fears. To be abandoned as a child is to die. A child cannot survive without the nurturing of adults. Depending on our individual histories, that fear remains with us to some degree.
As adults, if we are abandoned by someone to whom we look to for love and support, our childhood fear of abandonment is triggered. The result is an activation of the childhood fear, which, coupled with the present threat of abandonment, can generate intense fear and panic. Our ability to reason rationally may be so affected that all we experience is the terror of abandonment.
When we feel abandoned, we can experience panic over suddenly being alone, together with a feeling of rejection. These painful feelings can trigger clinging. Clinging is any behavior that demonstrates holding on, not letting go...
Wanting to compulsively call your ex or cling to him when you know the relationship is over can serve to mask or anesthetize your feelings of loneliness, hurt and pain... When you compulsively call a man because of your own fear of abandonment, there can be a pleasurable rush of adrenaline with the anticipation of seeing him or just hearing his voice. But this rush is just a temporary fix. The true road to emotional freedom is to feel the pain of his absence and work through the pain by yourself or with support...
When a relationship has ended, or you see your man distancing or pulling away from you, it's a loss, even if it's a temporary loss. Whenever there is a loss, you have to feel the pain of the loss.
I hate saying this to my patients because I don't like telling people they have to feel pain in order to get better and move on. Unfortunately, it's true. The only way to get better is to free yourself--not be imprisoned by your love--and feel all of your feelings...
Rememeber, grief has its own rhythms. You cannot decide, "Okay, I'm going to grieve now." You have to feel grief when it arises."
Sorry, I was trying to pieces of the best parts together. But isn't everything she's saying SO ultimately true? I'm relieved to know that there are others like me.. who feel this "abandonment". I remember when Mike broke up with me the first time... I felt the abandonment and felt a lot of panic. I remember feeling it the second time he broke up with me, but not to the extent of the first time. I tried to prepare myself for the second time in case he broke up with me again, which he did, which therefore, was good preparation on my side.
I remember... before we broke up... my thoughts about possibly breaking up with him myself. I thought about the trust that didn't exist, and who he was as a boyfriend to me.. I questioned it and wondered if we should break up. Before I could make a decision about it, he broke up with me and I panicked. Not remembering any of my thoughts about possibly wanting to be on my own also. And the abandonment concept makes so much sense.
I think that I'm was so worried about what his friends would think... or everyone else for that matter, including my friends. Even when I thought about breaking up with him, I kept thinking.. "but everyone thinks we're perfect for each other... isn't it true??" I know that a lot of people thought that Mike and I were absolutely great for each other. I know some people thought we would get married. I know I thought that at a point and time. And I didn't want to think about what other people might say. Because I also really liked his group of friends.. I thought about how I would miss them and wondered if it would be worth it. Now I wonder.. was I afraid to break up with Michael? Or his friends?? Was I just afraid of what other people would think?? I guess it could have been a combination of all of the above. I remember I IMed my friend Liz the other night.. and IMed her with "hey Liz, guess what?" and I wanted to tell her about how we'd broken up. When I came back to look at the IM box, she had typed, "what?? are you engaged?!!" HA. That really threw me off. I was like.. no... the complete opposite actually!
All right Tobey. I've been writing much too much. I know there's a lot to think about... but I'm tired of writing. I'm too pooped from today. Good night.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
