Hi love. I just got back from watching Hot Fuzz with Suey, Henry and Flower. It was a pretty damn funny movie. I would definitely recommend it. I really want to watch Shaun of the Dead now after watching this! We ate at Tomodachi for dinner today also... baked salmon roll.. mmmmm!!! That stuff is full of goodness.
Aside from tonight's doings... My thoughts have been in a jumble lately. I'm so frustrated with things.... I mean, Mike is great. He's wonderful to me ever since we got back together and we're doing better than we ever did while being in a serious relationship. I never thought that things could be this way again. I never in my mind thought we would get back together. I never thought he could be this nice again or that we'd be this good. After we broke up and I actually realized it, it was never my intention for us to get back together. I don't think he really did either. In that sense, I think that we're lucky that we both got a 2nd chance at love. It's not that he's lucky or that I'm lucky that things worked out this way. We're both lucky... or else we both wouldn't be so happy.
Let me just clarify that this has nothing to do with Mike and who he is, but that it has everything to do with myself and who I am. I just wanted to make it clear that things between Mike and I... are actually quite peachy. It's ME that's all wrong with the world. I don't know what it is exactly. I can't quite put my finger on it. So far I've narrowed it down to:
1) I was the first born, therefore the most spoiled in terms of doing what I wanted. I bossed my little sisters around as if they were my slaves and even though I know people in this world are not siblings or slaves of mine, I still belittle people in my head and judge them because they don't think the way I do. Because of this, I am irritated by these people. I look down on people on what I think are "faults". I cannot seem to forgive people for their faults anymore when before I used to completely accept them for what and who they are and choose to be.
2) It may be that I've become absorbed in the relationship that I've re-found. Maybe it's that I'm only concerned with being happy with Mike, that I can't think of other people at all anymore. I don't bother to think about other people's feelings because I only care about Mike's feelings or mine. I belittle people because I simply do not care.
Now... how true are these thoughts, feelings and possibilities? I don't even know myself. At times I catch myself thinking things such as these. ESPECIALLY while I am driving. I find that the way I drive reflects what I feel towards the world. I get angry on the road, and believe everyone is against me. I feel that there are so many assholes on the road that I should be an asshole back and put them in their place. Which is a completely irrational thought, I KNOW. But sometimes I see that I think that way even when I'm off the road. I'm mean because I know not everyone is nice. How terrible is that? The worst part is knowing that I'm wrong, but still am unable to change the way I feel.
I don't even know exactly what happened to me. When I changed or what changed me. I used to be the "nice girl". People would tell me, "you're too nice Karen". Now I look back on those comments and can't believe the thoughts I'm having in my head now. I'm just bitter and resentful. In fact, I hate all the world sometimes. I should know that people who are assholes get their punishment by being miserable for most of their lives by feeling unfulfilled and angry all the time. Being an jerk IS the punishment for a jerk.... I shouldn't be the one to punish people and try to make them realize such things. It makes me into a jerk myself.
This is a step. To move forward. Because, like we all know.. you will not stay where you are... and I was never one to waste my life being hurt and angry.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
