well.. i don't really feel so good right now. just about a lot of things i guess! maybe i am just bored out of my mind. lately, i've been questioning all the things i never had to question. i can't even trust anyone. i know i'm not depressed. and i know that life goes on and there's a future for me. those i know are facts. unless i die today that is! but as of now, i'm not too content with life and everything it has shown me. it's not fair. boys... friends... i mean, family i can deal with. geez, friends. well it's like i dont have any right now because of certain reasons. sometimes i have to wonder if it's because of me. i mean, i've tons of aquantinces, and enough people i see here and there..
but ever since i lost my best friend, well, everything is boring. it's so hard when the guy you loved turns into just a friend, and he just happens to be friends with all your friends as well! cause sometimes, you just dont wanna see that person. you wanna get away from them. if i could, i'd probably place this person on the other side of the world. or me if i could. yeah, it's really selfish of me to think this way and want what i want. but when i think about why things happened the way that they did.. it just pisses me off. and it's like, now i'm not sad about that certain guy and i'm over it, but we lost everything in the process. like friendship. and yet, even though it's not, i want to blame him for everything. even the loss of our friendship. because when i think about it, it's all his undoing that caused all this havok. he's the one who wanted to be with me, he's the one who said everything would work out. he's the one that said he loved me and LIED, he's the one that wouldn't let me leave when i wanted, and he's the one that left when only he wanted. so in my mind, he's the one that ruined everything. and i suppose that he's got his own little story. like i'm the one who pushed him away, and i'm the one that was crazy. so i suppose it goes both ways. my heart is still bitter from an old anger.. and who knows when it will be gone? maybe never. there's no more love, and all that's left is hate. but i guess i should have know from the start, that none of this would work out. i just always knew in my mind that he never gave me his all. i guess i thought i'd give it a chance. i guess i just hoped for too much. i really believed so much that everything would work out. i mean, i guess that's why it was so hard for me to let go. denial i suppose you would call it. major denial, for like years. ok, maybe just two. and even though, he may think that i pushed away our friendship, it's not something i chose to do. it's something i had to do. how else was i supposed to be rid of love? no other way than to be away from it.
with a lesson learned, comes a price.
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
