why i'm writing again.. i've no idea. probably the fact that i'm quite bored once again. i'm also pretty damn hungry. but since i've decided to make vanessa my role model for health.. i'm trying to NOT eat so much..! (tOo much..) haha oh hey..! i saw josh on the jay leno show.. i didnt see van though..! :( but i donno, tonight.. i realized that the jay leno show was pretty funny! i wanna go too..! since the tickets are free.. maybe i can get my friends to go too. heh. i don't work tomm. isn't that strange? i'm off on a saturday! that's a rare treat. well, right now i dont know if i would consider that a treat when i'm not really going to be doing anything. you know what i need? a clone of me. what the hell.. i would amuse myself constantly, and i'd never be alone. but i'm sure the fights would be never ending. eeek. but at least i'd have a friend! haha.. i donno. i talk to myself all the time anyway.. it's almost like having a clone. close. oh i donno tobey. i get so upset sometimes. i dont know if i'm the weirdo. or if THEY are the weirdos. why can't i connect with anyone? also.. something i discovered.. in general, people are nice. i meet countless number of nice people in a days work. i also meet a lot of nice people at school. but still, i can't make that connection. i'm like a melting ice cube that's frozen in time. melting because.. i can show people my outer layer. that's easy for me. it's easy to make conversation and i'm not afraid to say my opinions.. but when it comes down to actually making a connection. there is none. even when theres something in common.. theres no connection. theres no wanting to know more.. or we hit some sort of rock, thats just like.. "oh". the few people that i do make connections with. i dont get to see often. :( i hate it! and you know.. my "best friend" is wayy too complicated to be best friends with.. even if we are comfortable. i guess before him, the only other person i made a good connection with and hung out with consistently was anita. but wow, things sure are different now. i dont even remember how i got to be friends with her? how we started talking.. we just DID. you know, it's friends like that.. friends that come out of nowhere.. that i get along with. i donno. maybe i just have a bad memory. yeah i have a terrible memory. i can't remember a damn thing about growing up, except being made fun of b/c i was asian. can you believe it? i wanted to be WHITE so bad. of course we were all kids.. and kids. WOW, they can be cruel. i used to think that kids are innocent. now i think that they are selfish and crude. i mean, the innocence is still there.. but their selfishness overcomes all! MINE MINE MINE! ME ME ME! GIMME GIMME GIMME! it's a bit shocking.. they've got no manners whatsoever. but i donno.. damn kids.. ruined my childhood. made me want to be white, made me hate my own parents for a time. for being asian..! good god. who the hell did i think i was? i tried so hard so be one of them, i liked everything they liked. i guess that's why i've always been such a fan of rock music. i mean, hell. white people in louisiana don't listen to any rap/r and b.. then i come here.. and it's a major turn. it's like.. "what the...?!" so then i try to be asian. suddenly, i'm proud of my culture. for a time.. i listened to only rap/r and b. (can you believe that?!) oh lord, what a fool i was. a bumbling idiodic fool. i was just following my surroundings. then a few years ago, i decided that i wasn't going to do that anymore. i was gonna ilke what i like, be friends with who i like, etc. etc. and now. here i am. me. here. and what has it gotten me? what have i receieved for trying to be 100% real. honest. true. i've lost all the friends that i loved. maybe i pushed them away? maybe it's me! maybe i'm just not meant to be for anyone. not as a friend, not as a girlfriend, not as anything. i'm just here to exist. just to live out my life. not to the fullest, nor the least. just to be another biped. walking, breathing the earth's air. not having a single care. damn. i've got nothing. not even god. i'm just nothing. a waste of living space. a terrible disposal of time. nothing more than me. with nothing to offer to anyone, not even friendship b/c i'm just a melting ice cube frozen in time. i'll always be this way. showing only my outer core, to anyone who wishes to see. but no one will ever see through that thick cold inside that is ME. 99
<3 only me.
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
