today has been an absolute blur of amazement. today was the day i let myself open up to church and God. i totally felt as if pastor Dave Gibbons was talking to me when he asked.. "do you guys ever wonder if God is arrogant?" i was up in my seat when he asked us that question. it was like he read my mind about the need to glorify God all the time. i have always wondered if God is concieted and always wants praise. and if so, WHY? i didn't understand. he told us the reason why most people have a hard time grasping this concept is because they have a set definition of what love is. most people think that love means being content and satisfied. i would say that's a pretty good description myself when i first heard it! then he said, love is REALLY about doing what is best for the other one no matter what the effect it may have on you. then i thought... well what in the world does that have to do with glorifying God? the surprising answer was that God wants us to glorify him so that we can have fulfilling lives, so that we can have what is best for us. living a life for God is so rewarding that it is exactly the reason why God wants us to do so. now i finally understand WHy in the world God wants us to do this. what happened next was unbelievable to me. he asked us pray together, and asked us if any of us were not living our lives for God and had always put him second, or third, or last. and he asked that we would raise our hands if we wanted to change that. (note: a couple of weeks ago, me and my sister decided that we should all sit apart from each other so that we would go to church and really just be going for ourselves.. i know it seems strange to say, but sometimes i feel awkward sitting next to someone who is already so high up there with religon. she would probably be upset if she saw what i was typing about her...) so, i raised my hand. quite slowly. feeling scared, but i thought it would be okay to express my true feelings since everyone had their heads bowed. then, he asked everyone who had raised their hands to come up to the stage so that he could pray for us! now mind you, one of the reasons i raised my hand was so that he would pray for me YES, but i didn't know he was going to call us up to the stage because usually he NEVER does anything like that. and he did say, i usually never do this... but today he felt a need to ask. i stood up, scared, but i had raised my hand and no way i was going to deny God in front of a group of people! but i mean, that wasn't the only reason. i really did want to be prayed for. what was amazing was the number of people that stood up at the exact same time as i did. probably about half the church had stood up without hesitation to walk up to the stage. i was truly amazed and blessed to be there. at the moment when he asked us to raise our hands, i felt a release from my mind.. telling myself, let go of this foolishness. let it go. all these questions and doubts you've been having these past few years, let them all fall away. accept what you have known to be true all along and just did not want to believe. and i did. i let them down and i walked up, held hands with the people around me and asked for prayer. as corny as it all sounds, i feel like this sunday has completely changed me. i really don't believe that i was living in the moment just because, i normally DON'T DO THAT. i'm not the kind of person that chooses to do something and doesn't stick with it (well, when it comes to SERIOUS matters that is! this excludes food, weight watching, excercise, ect!). the church is doing a 40 day fast, which is about 5 and a half weeks. for the first 2 weeks i've decided to give up on secular music. this means, NO dave matthews, no audioslave, no afi, NO SECULAR music. that's a huge deal to me! well, i have been listening to switchfoot for quite some time, and i'm sure i can find new things. the next 2 weeks i'm going to fast from media. no internet, no phones, no tv, ect. then the last week and a half i'm going to fast from food. scary eh? but i'm really serious about doing this. it's funny because last sunday when i didn't really care for this.. i told myself i was going to fast from biting my fingers. this sunday, i realized that i shouldn't fast from doing that because then i'm doing something that is benefitting me. i chose to do something that would benefit me! how selfish was that? i took a good look at all of it and i told myself that what i SHOULD be fasting from is something that WOULDN't benefit me. in fact, maybe i would even be upset about losing. that's what fasting IS. strangely, i don't feel too upset about all of it. i WANT to do it. of course, it IS only the first day.. let's see how i feel when i'm starving eh?! but no seriously. i do want to do this, and i want to change the way i live my life. it's baby steps, but i'm going to do it. already in the first day, i've had many of my questions answered. and even though i know i still have some doubts in my mind, i know that the answers will soon come.
to friends who actually read my diary, i know you're probably SHOCKED! but what can i say? except that this is something i've been thinking about a long time and instead of beating around the bush, i'm doing something about it. i'm tired of waiting for the answers to come to me. i'm going out there to find answers and find God. new song is a GREAT beginning church. i really enjoy being there because everyone who is there, is there because they want to be. it's not a church where family members drag their young teens to just because it's sunday. even though it's mostly asians, there are other races that come to the church as well. people of all ages attend, from teens to people who could be my grandparents! but the important thing is that everyone who is there, is there because they want to know God, whether you're new to it, in the middle of it, or want to get back into it. for me, it was getting back into it. i've been in the hands of God before, and i can't believe how far away i wandered off now that i'm coming back. i feel as though i've traveled to another planet and come back home. i actually feel that certain ones of you, may actually not be so fond of my decision. i mean, i just want you to know that i'm still going to be pretty much the same person.. i'll still be there for you and care about you guys as i always have (even tho i'm so busy with school. sorrY!). i know what you might be thinking.... "gimme a break karen!" sorry to intrude on those thoughts, but i'm not coping out of this one...
to you: i don't know if you remember.. but remember in high school when i kept a journal and let you read it? i don't know if you remember the entries where i prayed to God.. but i remember you thanked me for that entry after you read it. so i just hope that you're not shocked by all of this.. i mean, i always knew i was going to come back to this. it was just a matter of when and where. once you accept Christ, you never really leave his hands.
i'll leave you with a song that really turned my ears today tobes.. sweet dreams. waiting on tomorrow. =)
<3 karen
"give me one pure and holy passion. give me one magnificent obsession. give me one glorious ambition for my life, to know and follow hard after you.
give me one pure and holy passion. give me one magnificent obsession. give me one glorious ambition for my life, to know and follow hard after you.
to know and follow hard after you. to grow as your dicsiple in your truth. this world is empty, pale, and cold compared to knowing you, my Lord. lead me on and i will run after you. lead me on and i will run after you.
give me one pure and holy passion. give me one magnificent obsession. give me one glorious ambition for my life, to know and follow hard after you.
to know and follow hard after you. to grow as your disciple in the truth. this world is empty, pale, and cold compared to knowing you my Lord. lead me on and i will run after you.
Lord to know and follow hard after you. and to grow as your disciple in your truth. this world is empty, pale, and cold compared to knowing you my Lord. lead me on and i will run after you. lead me on and i will run after you.." [passion/one pure and holy passion]
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
