Hi love.. It makes me so sad to look at my father sometimes. Just family issues I guess. I'm glad that he's a happier person, but... I don't want to see my parents stressed out. In fact, I hate seeing this. I don't even care anymore. Forget it all, who cares about the money anymore! I just want us to be a family. We have been.. I guess for the most part. The other night me and Suey cooked dinner for our family for mother's day.. and it was REALLY nice. We NEVER sit down together like that and eat in each others presence. It was a very weird sort of nice. We just simply NEVER did Christmas dinners, or Thanksgiving, birthdays were acknowledged with a nod from my dad.. every day of our lives, was like every other day. I think I learned to believe that there are no special days. No decorations, no Christmas tree, I don't think I've ever had eggnog.
I know my closest friends feel sorry for me and invite me to their houses over the holidays. But you know what? I don't feel feel bad about it. I did when I was younger, but now.. I don't care. And you know Ben's family is like my family away from family, even though my family is still here... and they've taught me things that I would have never learned without them. I really thank them for that. Jon's mommy is always so hospitable too. I always feel comfortable there. Every experience is one where such valuable knowledge can be gained.
But, what can I say? After all these years have gone by.. I finally care enough to say, I love my family. I used to be so darn bitter about the small things... but now, my view is, if they don't want to make Thanksgiving dinner then FINE, I'll make it, and you know what? I'd be glad to make it as long as we were all there and happy. No more worrying about my dad's selfish mother. No more thoughts about money. No more screaming mom! I wish my mom didn't have to work so hard. She really wants to send us to Korea over the summer, but there's no way I could go knowing she's busting her butt to send me there. I'd rather stay here, take summer school and work myself. They're getting older.. and I just want them to relax and be content. I'm tired of seeing that look on their faces. I want to see them smile, and be happy. I don't know why I was always such a little brat. I was so lazy, I even refused to help to the dishes. Now, I wonder, what kind of daughter have I been to this family? A person who can't even get off their butt and do the darn dishes? I've been such a horrible fake to my family the past few years. I'm so nice to everyone else on the outside, but really, when I'm at home.. I'm a freaking BRAT. I'm starting to see... why my mom yells at me so much sometimes.
I'm going to try to be a better family member. To be more patient with the ones I love, and to spend more time with them.. all starting with dishes first.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
