Hi darling. I'm not feeling so well right now.. Just tired from a very long day maybe.. I went to NewSong this morning.. stayed out late last night with KB (again!), so of course I made it to the very last service. =) Went home to pick up Cory Pie b/c we had open house.. We went to the Rancho Santa Margarita Lake and went to eat a Taco Bell after! Yum! Cory had a soft taco, and I had yet ANOTHER mexican pizza. hehe. Passed the time away by taking a nap at the park on the grass with Cory.. with little antys all over us. I am a mass murderer of ants!! Now I'm home, exhausted like no other and confused more than ever. And all I really want, is just to sleep in one person's arms.. Is that so much to ask? ..... Oh, but it is!
Tomorrow, I'm going with my daddy to help him run errands for the new store. I'm glad that things turned out the way they did for him.. I think we're lucky.. I'm also going to a Modest Mouse concert with KB and some of his buddies tomorrow night!
....... I just want to be. The way everything is now, I wish it would stay. Though not giving up, just realizing that reality is slim and usually unfavorable to people.. Just expecting the worst. No matter how badly I want something, someone.. and all of these morals and ideas conflicting with one another.. leaves me a mental mess. I'm constantly arguing with myself.. the heart, mind and body all in a huge argument with one another. Is it so horrible to feel the way I feel? Some people tell me that I should loosen up on myself, take it easy, not be so detailed. Other people say, there is only one way.. who's to say who is right? These little grey areas, there is no certain answer. Other areas, that I know aren't grey.. I still find difficult to make decisions on, even though the answer should be blatantly obvious. I'm trying to have fun, and have faith at the same time, but TIS IS SIMPLY NOT POSSIBLE!! Not the way I'm having fun right now anyway... or am I overanalyzing this once again? What is right? What is wrong? What is sin and how can it not be measured against each other? People expect Christians to be perfect and not break any rules, but that is not what Christians are. Christians are flawed and imperfect, like every other being on this planet and should NOT be looked upon as role models or goals.
I don't CARE for religion. What I do CARE for and what should be important to Christians or any other spirtitual persons is the relationship you have with God. Ditch the label; don't listen to rules. Listen to your heart and what God is telling you, not what the church is shoving down your throat. It's all mere nothings if you don't put your heart into it. It's not about doing "Christian" things, or acting the "right" way. All of that is completely VOID if the heart isn't there. It's funny I'm saying all these things; it's like I'm trying to lecture myself b/c I feel like I have lost my heart along the way somewhere here..
School seems to be coming up faster than a bullet and I don't want to go back!! I would normally be extremely excited to go back to school. I guess it's because that's when KB and I will be not only cities away, but minds away as well. No matter what happens, I can deal with it though.. I just hope we're always honest with each other, the way we are honest with each other now.. I just feel like such a burden and I can't help making decisions based on what I think is best for the other person.. even though KB told me NOT to think this way. If there is one thing that's helping me however... it's this. --> "Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." Not that it's really a game, but you get the drift. Don't let fear hold you down from living life, having fun, experiencing all that life has to offer.. I get it, I know it, I just have to DO IT.
This is a completely different subject matter, but I'm really pissed off at someone right now. What's with someone and their attitude? I'm so sick of this that it's getting to the point where I don't even want to try anymore. I've been trying SO hard, for a what seems like has been WEEKS now. I'm so freaking tired of being a sack of crap to someone that I really give a damn about. And why is this BS being directed specifically at me?? What the hey is that!! I give up. This is NOT a game, and I'm tired of playing along as the freaking loser. If you don't give a damn, then why the HELL SHOULD I. I am NOT an emotional punching bag.
I'm so pissed off from being provoked. All I want to do is see the one person that I can say "meh meh meh!" to, add "at this moment" to all of the corny compliments, and tickle to death in the arm pits!! Okay, getting a bit detailed, I'll STOP!! Off to take the next best alternative: a nap with Cory. Early 99.
<3 Karen
P.S. This band.. is AWESOME! I'm loving this crap!
Mogwai - Punk Rock, Nick Drake, Summer, Don't Cry..
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
