I'm feeling dirt low right now. I never wanted to wait until I had to ask myself, "How did I end up like this?"... It's kind of funny how I'm becoming something that I never wanted to be. It's kind of disappointing to see myself so unbearably weak when I always said that I wanted to be strong. Before, I'd always compare myself to other people and even think.. "WOW, I'm so glad I'm not like them. I'm glad that I can be Real." I guess everyone likes to think that they themselves are truly genuine, but really.. we're not. Now that I'm looking at myself from the outside, I can see that I'm really worse than all of them. Some people might say that I'm being too hard on myself. But you know what? If I'm not hard on myself, then who's going to push me? Who's going to move me if not me? If I wasn't hard on myself, I'd sink to the bottom of the ocean like a heavy heartless stone that I feel I am becoming. But even I can't make myself do something that I don't truly want to. I'm so stuck. I don't like to think about it, because my excuse is that I'll come back to it later. But I really do feel it eating away at me, my personality and my soul.
I know that I'm too proud to admit it. I know I'm too curious to stop it. I know I can't take good advice and I know well enough to see what is happening to me. This is my biggest flaw yet and I just want to say that I'm sorry to You. I don't want to say "I wish I could change", because I know that if I really wanted to, then I damn well would. I know it's because I don't want to. I like it this way. Most of the time anyway.. there are other times.. times when I allow myself to think deeper thoughts, that I realize what a fool I am. Yet even though all this, I don't stop, I remain where I am. STUCK. I'm so happy in what I am doing, but other times.. like now, I feel so sad. And I think to myself.. I'll just stop thinking about it and get back to it later. It can wait. The thing is.. it can always wait.
I don't care what anyone says. Their opinions don't matter to me. My opinion of myself remains where this entry began. I just am dirt low and I don't think there's any way to compromise. You can't be 50% a criminal. You can't be 75% cheating on your significant other. You can't be 33% allergic to peanuts. It's either you are or you aren't. I'm very all or nothing. I guess I'm just sad that I've picked nothing with You. I'm sorry I picked nothing, knowing full well the difference between right and wrong. Times like these.. I really dispise myself.
Well, here I go.. putting You off again until the next time I dwell on thoughts such as these. I'm so sorry. I don't deserve anything from You. What to do..
Stuck on two roads. Feeling completely torn,
Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
