Today was supposed to be a productive day, but it ended up being not very productive at all. I've been very silly I suppose.. and I don't even know what it is that I feel. Or what I'm supposed to feel for that matter. It's a weird feeling, being surprised. Have you ever looked for something, but hoped on everything that you wouldn't find what it was you were looking for? It's very weird when you wish for something to be so.. REAL. Even though, the stories have been told.. I still feel so confused. And even though you know deep down, it was nothing to do with yourself, you can't help but question if you really are that inadequate. I have a million questions running around my brain, but they are the kind of questions that are unanswerable to the mind. These are questions that your heart usually decides on, but sometimes, letting your heart answer for yourself is not the best idea. I wish I had the answers for everything. I wish I knew what was normal and how exactly I should feel.
I'm not an extreme risk taker. I'm not a good decision maker. Ever since BF #2, I've had trust issues and I don't think I'm cut out for this dating business. The only one who loved me and meant it was BF #1, and isn't it ironic that I didn't love him back.. and I ended up loving someone who resulted in doing a very similar thing to me as I did to BF #1. Does it always have to be a triangle!? Love has been full of BS, crap and lies. "I just wanna know what blurs and what's clear to see.." What's false and what's true.. reality and dreams.. Does it always have to be such a fine line? How is anybody supposed to distinguish between the two and even if you THINK you can, what if you were just fooling yourself to just be happy so that you could have what you want.. I don't know about you, but I'd rather not live in ignorance.
I haven't eaten anything all day and I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach from recalling events earlier today. What am I supposed to believe and how do I know what is truth.. If I'm wrong, and what's been said is true, why do people have to act like something they're not... Is all the world this way and I've just been left unaware? Is it really so difficult to have something genuine...
One might say that I'm over-reacting with my emotions and jumping to conclusions that have yet to occur. And well, if you said that, you would be semi-perfectly right. Still, my emotions are suspended in this moment, beached upon the shores of complete uncertainty.
I feel so very very stupid. I feel so unhappy at the moment. I'm devoid of all possible means of joy. I don't know if I'm crazy or actually trying to be reasonable. I do hope I'm the latter half of that sentence. I feel like I have an incurable disease. Someone fix me then kick me please.
<3 Karen
Dishwalla - Every Little Thing: "Wish I could be, every little thing you wanted. All the time; sometime."
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
