Hi love. Some days, I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm not sure how I've become this way.. when I've become this way.. or if I've always been this way. "There is nothing scary about life, if you are not attached to results." Well, the problem is. I AM attached to results. To be quite honest with you Tobey, I'm not sure if I'm ready to do this. I'm not sure if I'll EVER be ready. You'd think by now.. I'd be over stupid little things like this. And yet, I remain the same. I feel like kicking myself for being this way because I hate this part of me that I cannot seem to modify. I hate it when I think too much, because THIS is the outcome. And I believe that I over-think much too often for my own good. Ben has even asked me this before, "why can't you just take things as it is?" I really don't know. I wish I was simple. So I strive to be simple. Yet, in my mind, everything is a complicated maze. I guess I incorporate my mind into what I think is life. Then I try to figure it out, and choose shortcuts, or quick remedies, but those only lead to dead ends. I'm not sure if I can ever be what I want to be. At this moment, I don't feel like I can do it, nor WANT to do it.
I give too much. I think too hard. Then I expect to see results. Tis a horrid thing I tell you!! I've gotten so caught up with the way I feel that I've forgotten the very core of how I believe people should be.
01. Free your mind from worries.
02. Exhaust your heart from hatred.
03. Give more.
04. Expect less.
05. Live simply.
I honestly believe in these sentences! I want to abide my life by these mottos. "Give more, expect less." It's a lot harder when you make it a huge ordeal in your head. And I think my head can make things pretty damn messy when it wants to. I feel so.. HELPLESS. Almost, useless. [sigh] and I really don't enjoy throwing myself into the bottomless hole of self-pity. It's the worst!
I know my bouts usually don't last for long.. But why I feel THIS bad, is beyond my reasoning tonight. I did have fun at Caroline's birthday party. I'm glad I got to see my friends and such.. Was funny seeing Caroline get "beliged", or however you spell it! And this is WAY off topic, but blowjob shots are REALLY good.
Good night Tobers. For God's sake, no more grief. 99.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
