Hi dollface. Sorry it's been so freaking long since I've written. You know, the usual. Nothing out of the ordinary has been occuring, but you know me.. my mind always becoming variable to different situations. It's funny how people aren't aware of certain things in life. I'm not sure if I should say that it's ignorance, or just.. the bliss of not knowing. I suppose I feel that I was in that bliss for a long while, but after discovering things on my own, I realize what I'm to do. What I'm supposed to do anyway. It's just so hard for me, since I want these things so much. I can't say that I'm happy now that I realize such things, but me being the realist (or, trying to be the realist) that I am, I understand that they are all the same. And for good reason. I don't doubt that. I think that maybe what I've been longing for in my mind, is all... just wishful thinking and not at all true. And possibly never going to be true. I think that I may have had it once, a long time ago, but I didn't grasp the concept since I was so young. It doesn't even really matter because it wouldn't have been possible anyway I suppose.. no matter what, even to this day, it's not possible. I guess nothing is perfect and you can't always have exactly what you want. Still, I can't help but feel unhappy about the situation at times.
I know I'm speaking quite vaguely, for good reason also, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and also because I'd really rather not share all this with anyone else.. but I do feel compelled to write out what I feel.. just for the sake of me being able to organize what the hell is going on in my heart and mind. I feel like I keep a lot of things I want to say inside myself not only because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but also because I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea about me. For example, I would willingly write about marriage and family, but I don't want anyone to think that I'm doing so because I have a boyfriend at the time being. Or, I'd write about what I think about smoking, not because I want my friends to stop, but because I have an opinion on the topic. Does that make sense? Possibly not, but little things like that hold me back sometimes. I guess I can do the easy thing and just simply clarify when I wish to do so.. and that I probably will.
I don't know why I feel so confused right now. It seems like I feel this way more often now... I wish I didn't always have such burdens. Off to physics.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
