It's frustrating to pretend. It's frustrating to try and make something work, but the other person doesn't seem to care. It's also really painful to sit there and pretend like you're not bothered by it. I mean, it's like, "who are you?" and they are probably thinking the same about me. I don't feel like I've pretended to be anyone other than me. I said I'm sorry for things I've done wrong, and they said okay but it's not like they've really forgiven me because their actions don't show it. I wonder if they'll ever realize... what am I supposed to do? I'm not perfect. I'm not a robot. I've made mistakes. I said my sorries, but it doesn't matter. It's like the damage I've done is irreparable. I try, but I guess it's not good enough. The funniest part is that I used to be so close with this person I've now become so distant from... it's funny because I remember how they would treat people they didn't want to be close to anymore. Cold and indifferent. And now I'm getting that same kind of treatment. For what? As punishment for my mistakes? Because I don't deserve to be their friend? Because they truly are THAT busy? hmm.. I doubt the last one is the real choice. It hurts me to try and be rejected. I can just tell by the tone in their voice what they are thinking. They can pretend all they want, but I know when I'm being sent away.
This kind of situation puts me in a conflict where I don't know what to do. If I run into them, I don't want to pretend like everything's all right when it's not. And I'm not supposed to be "mean" and ignore them even though that's what I want to do because I feel so hurt by them. I hate faking it, but I guess I'll have to fake it for them because there's no other choice. It really sucks that I have to do this because they want things this way. I wish they would stop pretending and either hate me or forgive me, whichever is the genuine feeling.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
