I know that I'm going to sound like a cold-hearted bitch for saying this, but I simply cannot deny it. I love my mom. No doubt about it. But I don't want to hear those 3 words come out of my mother's vocal cords. And I don't think I could say it back to her sincerely, so I refuse to say so. It repels me. I could tell her that I love her in a happy, joking way (even though it's true). But I don't think I'd ever utter those words with seriousness unless she was on her deathbed. I realize that sounds horribly cruel. So.. I guess, let me explain myself.
We're Korean. True that we are not typical, but we are still old fashioned in some sense. Therefore, we did not grow up with hugs and kisses everyday (what I think of as an American tradition), or tell each other that we love each other on a daily basis. It's really just that, there is no need. And growing up Korean, where you get your fingers smacked quite hard with a stick for playing the wrong keys on a piano, or getting kicked for spilling a glass of milk, there really is no time for that lovey dovey kind of stuff. My dad told us that he loved us by going to work. My mom told us that she loved us by cooking us a meal and sending us to school. We did by being obedient. That is just the way. Maybe it's an asian thing too, I really couldn't tell you. Anyhow. That's how we grew up. And I think it was a fine way to grow up. I don't resent my parents for not showing an overload of affection. I'm perfectly content with the way my parents raised me. However, now that we have lived in The States for quite some time, things have changed. The children have become much older for one. Suey and I have flown the coop and we're college students now. My dad works like crazy at his business in San Diego. Sarah is entering puberty. Lambert has found a new home where he is given more attention. This all translates to: my mother being lonely. She does work go to work twice a week, but the rest of the days, she brings her work home with her. She goes to the gym occasionally. She watches Korean dramas. She might read on occasion. That's about it. She's got no children to take care of now, so she's lonely. And she vocalizes this to us. Frankly, I'm just not used to her calling us and wanting us to call her more often. I'm not used to hearing her say that she misses us. It's just weird. Today, she told me with seriousness that she loved me on the phone. All I could reply with was, okay. So she kept saying it. And I kept becoming irritated. It really couldn't be helped. This situation is new and strange to me and actually, I don't like it. YES, I LOVE MY MOM. But do I feel like saying it to her? No. Never. Go years and years without ever hearing the word "love" within your family, and the word becomes foreign. That doesn't mean the emotion and feeling is foreign. I don't think our family is fucked up. I love my family and I love spending time with them. I just don't feel like saying so.
I think my mom just feels this urge to reach out to her children because of her loneliness. And I feel bad for her. I really do. She's older, and it would be hard for her to change, to become independent. I told her to take on some independent hobbies, like playing the piano, sewing, planting, drawing, reading, whatever. Or go out more with friends. Not depend so much on her children for emotional support, especially when they are miles away in college.
Her relationship with my dad is a mystery to us. They get along fine, but do they feel love for one another? Who knows.... if I were in a situation where I wasn't sure if I loved my husband, I'd go insane since a real love is really my ultimate goal in life. I know that sucks for my mom, especially because my dad is like a STONE. You think that I'm being cold-hearted??! It's not that he's mean, it's just that he too is too old for change. Maybe there was a spark when they got married intially. I've seen lots of photos of them holding each other and smiling in the days when they were younger. I don't really see that anymore. Not in person and not in recent photos. I'm sorry to my mom that things are this way for her, but I'm not, and nor is anyone, going to save her from her emotional burdens. I personally feel that emotional burdens are things that you have to learn to deal with yourself. If you have someone always fixing them for you, what will happen if that someone isn't there? You've got to rely on the one person that will always be there for you. Yourself.
I don't know how to say this so her. Language presents a barrier too. Not that we can't understand each other, but I don't think we can understand each other optimally. More like, adequately. It's quite hard to explain. I guess as with any situation that one hasn't experienced. Hopefully things will get on with her... Of course I wish her only the best..
Now this is really going to be an extra long entry because I want to write about something that happened today that made me realize how terrible people are sometimes. So, today at work, just as I am about to close up the vault, a regular business customer of ours, Dave* comes in to cash some checks. I've done a number of transactios for him and I know him well enough, but not as well as some of the other customers. So I was in the process of cashing some checks when his cell phone goes off. He answers, and he must have accidently hit the speaker button because I hear quite loudly, "Hi honey! Where are you?" Obviously the wife right? I mean, from his looks, I can guess that he's a middle aged guy, so I assume that he is married. He turns the speaker off so that it's back to "normal cell phone mode", and says "I'm still at the office. I'll call you later." He hangs up and I say in a joking tone, "You are bad!" And I really meant that because what point was there in lying to his wife about being at the bank? I didn't know there was crime in cashing some checks. But, I can't be rude, so I say it with a smile. He just shrugs his shoulders like it's not big deal. And I guess it really isn't, so that's the end of that.
I hand him his money and expect him to leave and instead he asks me if I want to go out for a drink. I was pretty much shocked and caught off gaurd by this. It's not that we're not used to getting comments like that from creepy old men at the bank, but I've never gotten a comment like that from a fairly regular customer. Well, except for Matt*, who is just totally flippin out of his mind. Anyways, Dave had always come off very nice and normal to me, and that's why I was surprised. It's always the weird ones who have to say stupid crap like that you know?! Because I was so shocked, all I could say was that I couldn't. He asked why. My God. WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY?!! Well, GEE. Maybe because you are MARRIED. Because I have a boyfriend. Because you are old enough to be my father. Because it's just WRONG. How's that? Well. Those are the things that I should have said, but didn't out of shock. Instead, my reason for the why was that I have class at 7. I guess I was trying to put him down nicely. Then he says, maybe another time then. And leaves. At that point, I was a bit angry. And that's when "l'espirt de l' escalier", or, "the spirit of the stairway" came to me of all the things that I should have said.
Was it my place to reprimand him? Maybe not. But I felt like I could have and that I should have and that I wouldn't have been wrong in doing so. It makes me mad to see married folks act this way. I've seen married woman act this way too. It's not just the men. It's amazing the things you learn from working at the bank. I can't even imagine being the wife of that prick. Maybe he's sweet to her and she has no idea. There's no way that there haven't been other woman that have accepted his offer. Maybe it's wrong to assume so, but I assume that he is cheating. There's no other way to say it. Doesn't that just SUCK? I just hope that I don't become one of those women married to some a-hole later in life.
Sometimes I think that there are lots of people who rationalize cheating to themselves. That's it's OKAY, because of __________, and __________, and not to mention ___________. Whatever. You can't rationalize cheating. Cheating is cheating. It's never ever fair to cheat. If you're so angry about your significant other being nit picky and naggy, then leave! If you're upset because your bf/gf wastes too much of your money, then leave. If you're not happy in your relationship for any reason, any reason at all; you have the option of leaving over cheating. You ALWAYS have those options. It is never out of anyone's league. Some people might find cheating exciting, even fun. If you sit down to really think about it, is that fun and excitment of danger really worth another person's true and genuine heartache? Is that fun worth it to ruin another person in some ways... I guess real cheaters would say.. that's why you keep it a secret. I suppose that's something they've decided to live with. After a while, it probably becomes immune to them. I don't really believe in karma, but I hope life bites those people in the ass. Hard.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
