If you know me at all Tobes, you know that I must be feeling pretty pathetic for myself at the moment. Why? It's because I've come to the fact that this is my second time writing... The only times I am able to write twice in one day is when I'm feeling extremely unsure of myself or if something very exciting has happened. Or maybe even if some news has to be spread.
But none of the latter is the reason why I'm here. So I'm at a desperate time in my life and I want to write to clear my head and heart. I feel like no matter how much I write, I'll still feel the same. Completely confused. I really think that I need to not think to not be confused, because too much thinking, makes for too many unnecessary possibilities thought out in your head that can just explode from a unrestrained imagination. And all my thoughts are unrestrained at the moment. They are just all over the place running wild. It's just that, I don't feel up for any kind of change. I'm tired of change. I want to be alone and I don't want to be alone at the same time. Does that make sense? How can I feel all of this emotion inside of me, and do NOTHING.
I can't focus on anything right now. I can only focus on getting better. I am unable to focus on thoughts of a biochemistry midterm on Wednesday. I just don't know how to. The human heart is too complicated to figure out. Is it me that just wants things that are not possible? Are the things that I wish to find in life so unrealistic? Impossible? Imaginary? Is the love that I want.. non-existant... not real... not there... not ever going to be there? Is it really all just a great longing that I'll have that I'll never be able to find? Something that I'll only be able to have in my head and not ever be able to grasp with my hands. It makes me sad to think these things... It also makes me feel that I should just accept the things that I have because technically, I should be happy with the way things are. I have no real reason why I shouldn't be.
My only feeling is that it's not real. Is that reason enough? Am I just crazy? Will someone please tell me what it is!! Why do my standards for love have to be so enormous? Why can't I feel loved in the way that it is given to me. My heart is such a weird and strange thing. Sometimes it feels foreign. Like I don't know it at all.
I may just sleep now and wake up earlier to study... because these thoughts are torturing me so.
I know I'm overthinking. I know that I'm not the best person. I know that these are not rational thoughts, but I know that these are feelings I cannot change.
A survey. Because I need to get my mind off things.
1) How old do you wish you were?
I wish I was small and didn't know what being in love felt like.
2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
In my 6 am english class at Saddleback College.
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Depends on my mood. Sometimes I kick it. Or hit it. Or just walk away. Or put in more money.
4) Do you consider yourself kind?
Not as of late.
5) If you would get a tattoo, what part of your body would you get it?
Left side of my lower back. The sun.
6) If you could name a street, what would you name it?
The Orange Pie.
7) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Korean.
8) Do you know your neighbors?
Somewhat.
9) What do you consider a vacation?
A two nighter at the least. And somewhere at least 60 miles away.
10) Do you follow your horoscope?
I think it's fun to follow, but unrealistic to believe.
11) Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes.
12) Are you touchy feely?
Only with certain people. Like, Cory. And Mike. And Suey. And Rene. And... maybe some other girls I like or close friends.
13) Do you believe that opposites attract?
It could. And it could also repel.
14) Dream job?
Vet!
15) Favorite channel?
Animal Planet.
16) Have you ever attempted suicide?
Only in thought during my teenage years.
17) Favorite place to go on weekends?
Little Temple.
18) Showers or Baths?
Mr. Bubble!!
19.) Do you bite your toenails?
Eww. Even I think that's gross.
20) what is your favorite letter?
C.
21) are you a boob person or a butt person?
A boob person.
22) Do you trust people easily?
On a superficial level, yes.
23) What are your phobias?
Monsters.
25) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Yes.
26) Where would you rather be right now?
In someone's arms.
28) Who makes you feel guilty?
29) Heavy or light sleep?
Heavy.
30) Are you paranoid?
Sometimes.
31) Are you impatient?
I tend to be.
32) Who can you relate to?
People who hurt.
33) How do you feel about interracial couples?
Just as I feel about any relationship.
34) Have you been burned by love?
Of course.
35) What's your life motto?
"Have sweet dreams, and follow them.."
36) WHATS YOUR MAIN RINGTONE ON YOUR PHONE?
I don't know what it's called. My phone is too UNfancy for customized ring tones.
37) WHAT WERE YOU D0ING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT?
Cory and I were sleeping at KB's.
38) WHAT DOES THE THIRD TEXT MESSAGE ON YOUR CELL PHONE SAY?
"You are so far away" -KB when we were at the movie theaters and we were saving seats and we each sat on one end to save them.
39) WHOS BED DID YOU SLEEP IN LAST NIGHT?
KB's.
40) WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Black. It happens to match my mood.
41) MOST RECENT MOVIE THAT YOU WATCHED?
Barnyard. It was terrible. All the funny parts were in the previews.
42) NAME 3 THINGS THAT YOU HAVE ON YOU AT ALL TIMES:
My skin. My thoughts of Cory and KB. Um... fingernails?
43) WHAT'S THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEETS?
Light beige/yellow.
44) HOW MUCH CASH DO YOU HAVE ON YOU RIGHT NOW?
$114. Which is very unusual.
45) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
Legs.
46) What's your favorite town/city
Where all my loved ones are.
47) I can't wait to/until...?
Until I figure out what I want.
48) When was the last time you saw your mom?
Yesterday.
49) When was the last time you saw your dad?
Yesterday.
50) When was the last time you talked to them?
Both about 20 minutes ago.
51) Who got you to join myspace?
Good question. I have no idea.
52) What did you eat for dinner last night?
In n Out.
Good night Tobey. I hope the clouds in my head are gone tomorrow morning. My only real wish is to be what other people describe as "normal" at the moment. And in the mist of all this of all things... I remember when we were friends.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
