Something weird happened. I mean, honestly, it's unbelievable what has occured today. I texted Mike this morning because I had all these thoughts running in my head and I couldn't rid myself of them. I felt that I had to talk to him one more time to get confirmation of what he had said on the night of our break up and also... I wanted to ask if there might be someone else involved. I knew it was a far fetch, but I felt that I had to ask, and I felt that I had to ask in person. I felt that I had to ask that question because I didn't understand how he lost his feelings for me so quickly. It didn't make any sense. So he said that I could meet him at his place. I drove out there and we talked. And I asked him my question and got the answer I expected. The other reason I wanted to go out there was to make sure that this was it. I wanted him to tell me that we weren't getting back together and that he didn't love me. I wanted... no, I needed to hear it to move on. I also wanted to tell him all my thoughts and feelings because I felt that I didn't have time to really tell him in full anything when we broke up because of a time constraint. I was all emotional and upset. Explaining how I've been feeling the past two days and all the thoughts I had thought about.
One of the thoughts I had thought hard about were our fights. I have to admit to a lot of wrong doing on my part with those. Most of them were initiated by me because I was stubborn and being irrational. I do admit that. It's funny how you see those things AFTER they are of importance. So I apologized for those things because I felt that if I had sought different answers, things between us could have been different. And I was crying while trying to push out all my words through my throat and we were holding each other and it felt so... normal. It scared me that this was all so familiar to me and that it was so hard for me to let it go.
The reason I went there today, was to hear the cold hard facts of our relationship and non-existant love... I wanted to know for sure that it was over. I wanted to hear him tell me that so that I would remember his words in my times of future sadness and let them ring in my head to know that we weren't right for each other. But. Something different happened. He told me he wanted to try. That after hearing me say these things about being sorry, and after seeing that I would give back trust (from our break up talk)... he said he wanted to try. I was really shocked. I'm still shocked. I feel so disoriented because I've been thrown back around like a ping pong ball. It's so weird.... When he asked me if I wanted to try again... All I could say was, "I love you Michael, of course I want to try...", which, I do mean to the full extent of my heart. But it's still so strange. And it really isn't like Michael to change his mind. He's very decisive about these sorts of things and keeps them to his chosen decision. It was not what I expected at all. I expected him to tell me that he had no feelings for me.. that love was gone.. that it was over. And I recieved the complete opposite. How is one supposed to react to such news?
Of course I'm happy. Just in a weird way I guess.... We broke up. And even though it was only about two days that we were apart, I was crushed. I felt like a part of me had died. And the pain was so much. I no longer feel the panic of loss because we're trying again.. but I see things in a different light. And if we we're truly trying again... I promise to do a lot of things for us and for me differently.
One thing I think that is changing is my level of neediness. I don't think I can endure such painful break ups where I've developed my life around the other. As important as I think love is... there are other aspects to life that is not always so focused on. One thing I've definitely neglected was my family. My mom really. She needs me so much sometimes that I'm repelled by it.. but I realize that I love my mother and that I should spend as much time with her possible in her time of need. And although I do have friends that I see and hang out with... I don't think I saw them enough. I went out for birthdays, special occasions and some movie nights and such... but I think I should definitely focus more on building friendships and maintaining them to their best.
One friend that I truly discovered through this was Rene. She was really truly there for me in my time of need. She was selfless in her quest to make me feel better and I really respect her as a friend for that. She has been such a giving and generous friend in all aspects.. and she's not stuck up and self absorbed like a lot of girls I know... she's so down to earth and just awesome. I love her for that. What's funny is that I met her through Mike. She goes to PT school at USC with him. So I thought to myself last night... you know.. even if I lost the person I love through all this... I met a real friend... so I can't really complain. Real friends truly do come few and little. Friends who will not judge you but rather, support you. Friends who do not act like parents... and friends who do not expect their advice to be taken, but can simply give their opinion without forcing a choice on anyone. Friends are a support system... not a dictatorship.
Okay love.. I just wanted to update you on the happenings of today. It's been a bit crazy... but I'm going to see Breakestra with Rene and Jeff... see you around..
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
