Hi dear. So. Day 1 of the aftermath of a breakup. The first hours seemed so unbearable. I had a little trouble falling asleep last night, but not as much as I thought or expected. In the morning when I woke up, I was actually glad to go to work because I thought it would help me take my mind off of Mike. For the first few hours, it didn't help at all. I am a person who wears their emotions on their sleeve. What I feel inside, really shows on the outside. I almost cried in front of a few customers, but I managed to turn around to get money, or just lower my head so they wouldn't notice until I could regain my composure. Some people at work noticed too.. Like Marietta and Joey. And I couldn't bring myself to tell them then because it's so strange to bring up things like that at work. Joey called me a bit ago to tell me one of his "jokes". I don't really know how to describe them, but anyways... I did end up telling him what happened. I've only personally told a few people about what's happened... so far, in order, it's Jayvee, Rene, Darren, Suey, Marietta and Joey. Rene is the only one who knows the details of it since I hung out with her tonight. We went to the Dodger Stadium and watched the Dodger vs. Padres game up until about the top of the 6th inning. Afterwards, we went to go watch a movie.. ended up watching Accepted, which I thought was interesting, but still poorly made. Now I'm here... in thought.
There are a million things running through my head all at once. It's so much thought that I can't organize it. I thought about how someone can fall out of love so quickly. I thought about how right Mike and I were together, and also how wrong we were together. I thought about the things I loved about Mike. I thought about the things I disliked about him too. I thought about everything we shared together... baseball games, basketball games, all the places we've eaten at, going to the gym, going to SF, SD... I even thought about our first few dates and how excited I was. I thought about all the times when I would look at him and see love. I also thought about our fights.. and what I believed about love.
But I have to say... that I think I will be able to realize things a lot sooner than I even expected. I was already starting to realize things tonight... even if I only saw the faintest hint of light, I saw it. And I know that I'll come to it one day and see everything in my past without the bias of pain and hurt. Things about our fights, things about our relationship, things about love and what I believe...
And at work, after I had been there for 4 hours... I saw myself not being so closed from people and let myself laugh. I guess in some ways... if you can still genuinely laugh and feel happiness when you do... you know that things will get better. And I do know that. I believe that. Just.. the first baby steps are so hard. And sometimes.. I really do just want to be sad for a while... let myself cry and feel hurt. And when I'm in my moment of hurt, I just want to turn the hands of the clock forward and just be in the happiness of my future. But I do know that the hurt will pass with time. Does time heal all pain? Maybe not completely, but I do believe that it mends our wounds, even if they leave a scar. Good night Tobey.
I'm going to see Breakestra tomorrow.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
