Hi love. I don't know why, but it seems like forever since I wrote. I guess it feel that way when you have all these thoughts going around in your mind without writing them down. At least, that's how I feel about it. They are mostly thoughts about myself, what I want, and what I'm doing. Lately I feel that I am constantly confused with what I want. Ever since Mike and I have been trying to work things out and gotten back together.. I question things about myself. Like, is this what I really want? Sometimes I think that I just missed him so much because we were together for a long time and because it was just the familiarity that had disappeared that enstrangled me. If I had put time into healing my heart and mind.. in the end.. is this still what I would have wanted? Did I want to be with him only because I missed him? Did I want to be with him because he broke up with me? Are those the only reasons? Or are do the reasons go beyond these petty things... the stable reason of true love, real trust... a real relationship where both partners can communicate and have mutual respect and understand each other. Or did I want to try and try and try because of what I believe about love... I don't really know right now. I can't say for certain anything. I don't even know where to begin to sort my thoughts or what I really feel and want and WHY I want them. It's an utter mess. I've been putting it off because I don't even want to start to go digging through this pile of BS to sort out the truth. It seems immense.
Is that sad? I hope you don't feel pity for me... I don't want anyones pity. What I was thinking about yesterday was... it should really dawn on me with certainty if I didn't want to be with Mike. I guess I figure now that if I really don't want to be with him... I would see that with clarity. Wouldn't I? Then.. why these doubts? I guess that's what I was hoping to figure out... I keep replaying some of the things he said to me when we broke up. Or rather, the answers to my questions... like when I asked him if he still wanted to try.. and he kept shaking his head no. Or when I asked him if he really didn't see a future for us.. and he said no. And when I said that maybe he didn't love me anymore... and his reply was.. "I don't want to say that. It sounds so cruel..." Then I replay other conversations.. when he told me he wanted to try again.. That what I said about trust WAS important and the apologies I had given were of importance... and also him saying that he didn't respect me in some ways because of certain behaviors that characterize who I am. Then he said that maybe it was possible to love someone with wanting to marry them and be with them forever.
Maybe it would be best to spend some time apart. I don't want to be different because I want him to love me. And I don't think that's what he wants either. Maybe he was hoping that I'd mature with age.. even though I really don't think that I'm immature in thought.. only in action. My silliness I guess. But it's funny because we're sometimes so silly together (still). Just not excessively so anymore... I mean, it's not like he's a total robot or anything. I guess he wanted the toned down version.
Yesterday I discovered this quote, "In order to discover new oceans, you must first discover the courage to lose sight of the shore." And I keep wondering if Michael is my shore and I'm just afraid to leave it. Or is my shore something else? Was it the trust that did not exist between Michael and I? Is it myself afraid of growing up? It could be so many things that I don't know what it really is. I feel that I have to consider all possibilities.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
