Hi love. I feel like I am at an all time low in my life right now. Well, I suppose that things could be worse... but needless to say, things are not good and not really looking up either. It's mostly on the matter of my relationship with Mike. Isn't it funny.. how love can change your view of the world... when you're in love and happy, everything is beautiful. When you don't have it... it's very gloomy and everything looks foreign and strange. It's a very strange phenomenon I think.
Last night I talked to an old friend of mine. I hadn't talked to him in so long, but I saw him online, so I IMed him. God knows why I did, but I did. And it was weird. At first, we were very civil to each other, then he started making jokes... weird ones. To me I interpreted it as him keeping his distance from me by talking to me that way. When I used to know him, that's how he was with other people sometimes that he wanted to stay away from. Kept himself apart by joking or by saying strange things. By not acknowledging the truth. But I mean, I was happy to talk to him because I miss our friendship. Good friends are hard to come by... and we used to be good friends. I doubt that we'll ever have the same relationship that we used to have. I think in some ways, if we were both mature enough, that we could have even a better friendship than we did before. But I don't think he's willing to put himself on the line for that. There's too much pride involved for him to move forward. So I can only assume, from what I've known from him. But it was still nice to talk.. even if our conversation left me a little tense and angry. I was very close to his family, especially his mom. And when we stopped being friends, I felt that I was not really a part of their family anymore. And he blames me for not trying. And that they didn't hate me because of him, and that I shouldn't have assumed such things. Maybe he was right. But I didn't realize things then that I do now. I think I'll stop by their place very soon... and try to explain what happened. At least I won't really have to run into Ben there because he's always in San Diego now. I guess he doesn't come home much. When I think about it now, I can't pinpoint exactly why we stopped talking. I think one of the major points was that we could not respect each other. Our friendship was a long-running feud. It was sometimes a battle. I felt like I was going to war when we argued. And it was always about something so petty. Like spilling a glass of water, or something I said, or something he said that just ticked us off. I don't believe anymore in sweating the small stuff at all. It's not worth it. In the larger scheme of things, they are so petty that there is no reason to acknowledge them. But, at that point in our friendship, we could not get past that. It wasn't all bad. I miss a great deal of the happy times we had together. I miss our friendship and actually, I think I that I give thought to it quite often. I hope that he's happy. I genuinely do.
On the matter of Mike and I... I'm just very confused. We agreed not to see each other this week because he has midterms and really needs to study for them. I didn't know though, that talking was also not to be exchaged. So I wondered when he didn't call me after he got off work and stuff.. I didn't know those were the terms, so I called him. When I asked him online later, he said that he just wanted to concentrate on school and try to keep talking to a minimum as well. I brought up the subject of taking a possible break again. He said that he didn't think it would help. Therefore, this was just a study break and not a relationship break. But if it was not a relationship break, why could we not chat on the phone? I guess I'm confused by that.
I've been thinking a great deal about our conversation that we had on Saturday night. It had been about 3 weeks since we'd been trying to "work things out". And I was very optimistic about our relationship because things were going really well from my point of view. So I asked him what his thoughts were about our relationship now, and he said that he still didn't know. I asked him if he loved me, and he said that he didn't know. I didn't know that. I was really shocked, because when we decided to work things out, he told me that love was there... or at least, I had that impression. I guess that's why I've been such a happy clam these past few weeks, because I truly believed that things were getting better. I thought that me being able to give him the trust back, and me acknowledging my wrongs, and us deciding to get back together, was a positive turning point in our relationship.
I can't help it that I still feel the same about Michael. I can't help but love the person that I do. I feel pretty crushed now... because I thought we were trying because we loved each other. But, that might not be the case. I don't even know why he wants to try if he doesn't love me. I guess it's because for him, being in love is about marriage. I do believe that to a certain point, but I think love comes before marriage, not marriage before love. So he's trying to figure out if he wants to marry me or not. I'm just trying to figure out if we love each other or not. It's so complicated right now... and not being able to talk to him this week is putting various ideas into my head because I don't know what I should be thinking.
One of the ideas I had was that I should break up with him myself. Is it really a good idea for me to wait around while he tries to figure things out and then have him break up with me a couple of months down the line when he's decided? I think that will hurt me a lot that I tried so hard... and it didn't work.
I'm just sad and a bit tired of being sad. I'm tired of trying so much and things never working out the way I hoped... When I'm at this low and I'm thinking about the way my past relationships have worked out, I'm very upset... that I always believed in love and always wanted to try. But love always ended up leaving me. If that's the case, how can I say that it's them? How is it NOT me?
I hate love right now.
<3 Karen
Moving - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
Rambles and Kansas! - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008
In Manhattan, Kansas! - Sunday, Jan. 20, 2008
Minnesota! - Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008
First Interview!!! - Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2007
